Life is But a Dream
by Dedeen
Summary: What happens when Erin wakes up to a life she doesn't remember.
1. Chapter 1

I'm not sure if this has been done before for CPD, but I had the idea and it kind of just wrote it self. I hope ya'll like it!

I own Zip-a-Dee-Doo-Dah.

* * *

 _Row, row, row your boat,_

 _Gently down the stream._

 _Merrily, merrily, merrily, merrily,_

 _Life is but a dream._

Erin wakes up with the insistent buzzing of her phone. She refuses to open her eyes and sinks a little deeper into the bed, hanging on to the last remnants of sleep. But the buzzing persists and she groans inwardly. Somewhat disoriented, she leans over and flings her hand over the night stand and manages to shut it off. She doesn't even know why she keeps the alarm on. It's obviously not late enough in the day to justify getting up when she has nowhere to be.

Although the buzzing stopped, the pounding in her head didn't. The memory of the night before is blurry at best. Broken images play in her head and she's suddenly hit with a wave of nausea mixed with self-reproach and guilt. Her thoughts automatically drifts to the unopened bottle of whisky sitting on her kitchen counter. Drinking numbs the pain and blocks the ill-feelings she gets when her mind inevitably spirals down.

She buries her face in the pillow, wishing for the millionth time that things were different. She inhales deeply and is met with a faint, lingering scent of aftershave. For a brief moment a hint of a smile is seen on her lips as she fills her senses with it. It's clean and crisp and it smells masculine in that delicious way only _he_ can.

She inhales again and freezes.

She recognizes this scent very well. It is linked to the most pleasant memories she has. Despite not entirely remembering what happened last night, she know _he_ wasn't there. She hasn't seen him in a couple of weeks, actually. But the scent is here and her mind fills with the memory of his touch, his lips, and his boyish grin beaming at her. This is wrong. She should not be smelling this scent. But she is and it can only mean one thing: If _he_ is not here, someone else is.

She's so engrossed in her thoughts that she doesn't hear the footsteps outside the bedroom or the sound of creaking floors under bare feet making their way down the hallway.

"Morning."

Erin starts at the deep, rumbling voice that breaks through her thoughts. Her eyes fly open and her heart pounds in her chest and ears. Her breath catches in her throat when she is met with wide, lazy grin. Clad in only pajama bottoms, he leans against the door, clutching two mugs. He sips nonchalantly from one and extends the other to her.

"Black. Tons of sugar."

When she finally finds her voice it comes out strangled, almost as though she is chocking. "Jay?"

He looks quizzically at her. His head tilts to one side and a slow amused smile pulls a corner of his lips. "Rough night, uh? But don't worry. Burgess didn't tell me anything when she dropped you off."

His tone is joking, almost mocking.

She sits up on the bed pulling the blankets around her like a shawl. "Who? What…?"

She begins her line of questions but doesn't finish. She notices something she should have noticed by now – this is not her room. This is not her apartment and not his apartment either. She tries to shake the fog out of her mind to remember what happened last night, but everything is hazy.

"You okay?" He asks, and she hears the concern in his voice. He moves towards her and she instinctively recoils, though she's not sure why.

"No," she says. "W-What happened last night? How did I get here?"

Jay moves towards the bed and sits next to her, handing her the cup of coffee. He can't help but chuckle at the wary look she's giving him.

"Well, I think you partied a little too hard and Burgess dropped you off. I let you sleep in." He sips his coffee and before she can say anything he adds, "Don't worry, Lucy is fed and most likely eating cheerios off the floor right now." Jay's causal tone and ease makes her think there's something she's missing. Something big. "Actually, let me check on her."

He steps out and Erin is left alone in this unfamiliar room, holding a cup of coffee. She struggles to understand what is going on. Where is she? Why is Jay here? And what is this about a party with Burgess? Granted, she doesn't remember much, but she was definitely not out with Burgess. And who is Lucy? The pounding in her head intensifies and it's like a million razor-sharp insects are gnawing at her brain. She sets the coffee mug aside and forces her eyes close, breathing slowly and deeply, stilling her eyes under her eyelids.

Jay returns with a small, bouncy little girl on his hip. Erin's eyes land on the child in pink footie pajamas, who couldn't be more than three.

 _Lucy._

The name flutters in her mind like a faint memory and drifts away.

When she looks closely she can almost see herself in this little girl. Save for her piercing blue eyes, this little girl is her spit image, albeit smaller. This realization spikes a degree closer to panic inside her. She wants to ask who Lucy is, but she thinks she already knows the answer. For the second time this morning her throat closes, her breathing stops, and her heart beats hard against her chest.

 _This can't be real._

Jay continues to bounce the little girl in his arms and huge belly giggles spills from her small, cherub lips.

"Lucy…" Erin hears the name escape from her lips.

At the sound of Erin's voice Lucy turns her head towards Erin and quickly squirms away from Jay arms and climbs on the bed.

"Mamma!" She chirps.

 _There it is. Mamma_.

Lucy throws her small, chubby arms around Erin and she feels immediately overwhelmed. She's numbed herself for so long that the surge of emotions has tears prickling the back of her eyes. Erin circles her trembling arms around Lucy and the little girl nestles her head cozily against her shoulder. Everything is so strange, so different, yet so familiar.

Jay is leaning against the wall popping cheerios in his mouth like everything is completely ordinary. Her gaze finds his and he immediately notices the troubled look on her face and the shiny look in her eyes.

He mouths, "Are you okay? Are going to be sick?"

The concern in his voice is genuine.

"I don't know…" she mouths back, holding Lucy tightly in her arms.

"I think I know what you need." Jay says and leaves the room.

Lucy then wiggles out of Erin's arms and flops on the bed. She rolls over, pushes her little diapered bottom up in the air, followed by her small torso, and begins to jump up and down. The smile on her face and the sound of her laughter is strangely soothing to Erin.

"I Jump, mama!" Lucy exclaims.

Erin nods, blinking those pesky tears away.

 _Lucy is not real._

Jay returns with a bottled water in hand and places it on the nightstand with two pills next to it.

"This should help," he says, sitting on the bed. He reaches for Lucy and says, "C'mere, you little monkey." He tickles her sides and she contorts happily in his arms.

Jay looks momentarily at Erin and sees that same distraught look still etched on her face. With a loud, smacking kiss on Lucy's belly, he lowers her to the floor and says, "Luce, go find Mr. Chuckles so we can bring him to Papa's house today."

"Papa?!" She parrots.

"Yeah," Jay says and kisses her hair. "We're going to Papa's house today. Now go find Mr. Chuckles."

The little girl bounces excitedly and scurries out the door.

Jay finds Erin's leg under the covers and runs his hand over it. "Really, are you okay?" He asks.

"I don't know, Jay. I-I don't know where I am, I d-don't remember this," she motions between them. "It's like I woke up to someone else's life and I…. " She trails off not sure how to put her jumbled thoughts into words. She presses her fingers to her temples, trying to massage the continued pounding in her head.

Jay smiles, like her current state is amusing to him. "Slow down," he says and cups her face with one had. "You just super hung over." he adds casually.

Jay pulls her for a hug and kisses her hair. She unintentionally melts in his embrace.

"Take the aspirin and you'll feel better. We have Jack's birthday party to go and you said you would help set up."

She sighs, wondering if this is real life. "Who's Jack?"

Jay chuckles. "I am not sure amnesia will get you off the hook." He kisses her forehead and stands up. "Water. Aspirin. Coffee," he says, pointing to the items on the nightstand. "In the meantime, I will get the kid bathed before the oat meal sticks permanently to her hair."

Erin nods, watching Jay walk out the door.

"Jay…" She calls out.

"Yeah?" He pops his head back in the door.

"Is this real life?" She asks.

Jay chuckles. "Life is but a dream, Erin…"

Erin sits back and smiles.

 _Life is but a dream._

* * *

Thanks for reading! I haven't decided if this is a one-shot or not. Should I continue?


	2. Chapter 2

Thank you for your lovely reviews. I very much appreciated each and every single one. Oh, just to clear up a few things that might be confusing: the Erin here is from the end of Season 2. The "reality" she woke up to is somewhere in a future I've created.

I own nada. Damn you Dick Wolf and your addictive show!

* * *

Erin's head is still swimming and the memories of the previous night are blurry. From the little she can recall she was at a bar doing shots. She can't remember with who, maybe Landon? She doesn't think she scored, but this whole reality might just be her tripping. It's not a far-fetched idea, although her trips have never been this vivid or this real.

She slowly gets up, wrapping herself around in a blanket, and for the first time she really looks around the room. It is cozy and homey. Everything is neat and uncluttered. It reminds her of own bedroom, except there is something different and she can't quite put her finger on what it is. She shuffles over to a dresser and takes a picture frame from atop and stares at it. It's of her and Jay and a much younger Lucy. Wide smiles beam back at her. Erin runs her hand over the cheery faces on the picture and shakes her head. _What an elaborate trip, s_ he thinks. She places the frame back and decides to venture out.

When you go into someone else's hone, it smells—sometimes like fresh laundry, sometimes like pine needles, but distinct from any other. Erin doesn't notice this here. Everything seems familiar. Ditching the blanket, she steps out in the hallway and can immediately hear the muffled echo of Lucy's sweet giggles. She follows the sound and it leads her to the bathroom not too far down the hallway. She pushes the door open and is riveted by what she sees. Jay is seated next to the tub calmingly watching Lucy splash water everywhere, unfazed by the fact that he is getting soaked. Upon closer inspection Erin sees that Jay is actually fueling Lucy's pastime by pouring water over her head.

"Ah-gan!" Lucy beckons and Jay dumps another cup full of soapy water over her head.

Erin leans on the door and it bumps against the wall. Jay starts and looks back.

"Oh, hey. You're up," he says. "Feeling better?"

"A little," she nods. "Still wrapping my head around…everything."

"Mamma!" Lucy stands on wobbly feet, but one look from Jay and she sits back down in the tub. "Mamma, looook!" Lucy exclaims and lowers her mouth to the water, blowing bubbles.

"That's pretty awesome, kiddo," Erin says.

"I guess the swim classes are actually working," Jay says.

"Yeah, I guess they are."

"Alright, Lucy-Goosey," Jay says and stands up. He grabs a yellow fuzzy towel with ducks printed on it and stretches it out in front of him. As soon as Lucy sees the towel she curves her little mouth into a defiant pout and crosses her arms over her belly.

"Nooo, da-dy!"

"C'mon Luce, we have to go to Papa's house."

The stubborn look she gives Jay is incredibly adorable and Erin hides her smile. Any doubt she had of this kid being hers vanishes.

"Lucy," Jay says firmly. "Let's go. Chop-chop."

The little girl looks cheekily at him, but relents and walks into the towel. Her pout is short-lived, though, as Jay wraps her like a burrito and blows raspberries on her neck.

"Had to use you're cop voice, uh?" Erin says amused while following him out.

Jay frowns. "That was not my cop voice."

"That was totally your cop voice." Erin teases.

Jay shakes his head. "She gets this whole stubborn thing from you, not me."

Erin jokingly smacks his arm. "Being stubborn has its advantages, you know?"

"Yeah? Like what? Giving me gray hairs?"

"No, like… She's not going to let any boy get a pass at her."

Jay's face contorts at the mention of boys. "There won't be any boys. She's not doing that until she's at least 30, maybe 40."

Erin laughs. She's amused by this is side of Jay. It is clear to anyone within a five mile radius that he's head over heels over Lucy. Lucy is one lucky lil' gal.

Once in Lucy's nursery, Jay lowers his burrito-ed little girl on the floor and she shuffles around giggling to herself.

"You got this?" Jay asks her.

Erin looks a bit taken aback. "Got what?"

"Getting her ready," Jay says.

"Oh." There is only the tiniest hesitation before she smiles and nods. "Sure. Yeah, I can get her ready." Erin waves him off. "Where are we going again?"

"Jack's birthday. Justin will have your head if you're not there to help Olive set up."

Erin takes a minute to digest what Jay just said. _Justin. Birthday. Set up_. "Right, right..." she agrees.

"I'm going to change," he says.

"Okay."

Jay walks out and Erin finds herself alone with Lucy. The little girl has unwrapped herself from the towel and is nonchalantly running around the nursery in her birthday suit. Erin catches Lucy mid run and she laughs.

"C'mon lil' lady, let's get you descent."

Erin walks over to the closet and opens it. A plethora of bright colorful clothes hangs on miniature hangers. She runs her fingers through them while Lucy contorts in her arms asking to be let out.

"Down, Mamma. DOWN!"

"Hold on, kiddo," Erin says, tightening her grip around her.

She quickly picks a blue summer dress and walks over to the changing table. "You need a diaper, don't you?"

At the mention of the word diaper, Lucy instinctively lays down.

"Oh, I guess you know the drill."

She begins to diaper Lucy and for a fleeting moment Lucy is still, staring at her with those pretty blue eyes. Her skin is the color of the palest peach and her mouth looks like a tiny raspberry. In addition to her blue eyes, Lucy seems to have also inherited Jay's freckled nose.

"So Luce, how old are you?" Erin asks.

Lucy brings two fingers up.

"Wow, you're that many?"

Lucy nods.

"You're a smart little monkey."

Lucy giggles and begins to turn sideways on the changing table.

"Hold on, Luce. I'm almost done."

Erin finishes diapering her and getting her dressed. She quickly towel dries the little girl's strawberry blond hair and ties it up in two pigtails.

"You know, Lucy, I never thought I would get to meet someone like you," Erin says hoisting the little girl on her hip. "It's kind of surreal, actually." Erin kisses Lucy's cheek and the little girl sighs, resting her head on her shoulder. Erin's heart melts.

She looks around the nursery and takes all it in – the pale green walls, the billowing curtains, the crib, the scattered toys, the rocking chair… and the picture frames. One in particular catches her eye. This one is mounted on the wall – it's a special one. Erin thinks it was probably taken at the hospital when Lucy was born. Jay has the biggest smile and glassy eyes and her face mirrors his while cradling a very, very small Lucy.

Lucy brings her out of her trance by pointing at her on the picture and saying, "Mamma."

"Yeah, I guess that's what I am," Erin says. "How about this guy here?" She points at Jay. "Who is he?"

"Da-dy," Lucy chirps.

"And who's this baby here?" Erin asks, pointing at Lucy.

"Luceee,!" She exclaims, patting her chest.

"You're really smart, you know?" Erin says, touching a finger to her little nose.

She seems another picture, this one is of Jay asleep on the couch with a pink little bundle on his chest. She runs her finger over the frame and smiles. How amazing it is to see Jay, a guy who oozes confidence and masculinity, turn into this tender, loving dad. But one last picture tucked in the corner of the nursery, captures her attention. It's a photo of Hank holding a smiling a Lucy on what it looks like her birthday.

"Lucy, who is this?"

"Papa!" She shouts excitedly.

"Oh, I guess you like Papa a lot, uh?"

Erin looks around, but doesn't find any pictures of Bunny. Although she's hit with a hint of disappointed, it doesn't surprise her. Bunny wasn't there for her own kids, never mind her grandkid.

She walks back down the hallway to the bedroom where she finds Jay dressed and seated on the edge of the bed putting his shoe on.

"Don't you look pretty," Jay says and Lucy smiles coyly.

He finishes lacing his shoes and stands up. "You look pretty too," he winks and places a quick kiss on Erin's lips. His cologne fills her sense and makes her a little weak in the knees. "You also look way better," he adds. "Sorry to break it to you, but I think you're partying days are over. One more night like this and we'll be living the plot of The Vow."

"Here's to hoping Channing Tatum will be there when I wake up," Erin says teasingly.

Jay shakes his head and lifts Lucy from Erin's arms. "Go get ready. We'll meet you downstairs."

"Okay. I will be down in a few."

Jay nods and Erin watches him drape Lucy over his shoulders causing her erupt in a fit of giggles. He walks out and Erin stands still listening to the sweet, sweet sound that is Lucy's laugh. Even though Erin just met her today, she already occupies so much of Erin's heart.

This has to be the longest that Erin has gone without having her mind spiral downward. Sometimes she thinks she was born on a fault line – the places where the earth breaks apart, where earthquakes and volcanoes are born. In other words, Erin's world seems to always crumble underneath her and the solid ground is just a mere illusion. However, this life here, wherever this place is, seems sturdy and safe. However strange everything seems, she feels grounded.

When she finally climbs down the stairs she's met with two smiling faces not-so-patiently waiting for her.

"Come, mamma!" Lucy beckons.

Erin smiles and Jay drapes an arm over her shoulder and together they walk out the door.

 _Merrily, Merrily, Merrily, Merrily._

 _Life is but a dream._

* * *

Thanks for reading. Your input and ideas are always welcomed. Is it Sept 30th yet?


	3. Chapter 3

Thank you once again for your lovely reviews. You guys sure know how to make a girl happy!

* * *

The drive to the birthday party is uneventful. Erin sits in the passenger seat absently looking out the window. It is a sunny, bright day. The street she knows so well are alive and bursting with people. The sky is that pretty blue with a few big, white, puffy clouds mixed perfectly in the background. Erin knows the sky is blue and that there are clouds, but today it's like she really sees them and their beauty. And it's moments like these when everything is still that her mind thinks of Nadia.

Which also brings about another point: Erin has some hesitations about going to this birthday party, which mostly stems from what transpired between her and Hank the last time she saw him. She isn't ready to face him, regardless if this Hank doesn't hold what she did against her. What ensued is still fresh in her mind and she doesn't have the luxury of calling what happened 'the past' yet.

They pull up to Hank's driveway and she takes in a deep, slow breath.

Lucy immediately recognizes her surrounding and demands, "Out! I wanna out!" She arches her back and pulls impatiently on the straps of her car seat.

"Hold on, Lucy. I'm coming," Jay says, calmly exiting the car.

He unbuckles an eager Lucy and she leaps into his arms. Jay walks around the car and taps his finger on the passenger window. "Coming?"

"Yeah," Erin says and with some apprehension she steps out of the car.

She lets Jay walk ahead of her with a very excited Lucy in tow. Her excitement is almost comical. Who is ever this excited to see Voight?

Jay walks through the front door with a level of comfort that leaves Erin a bit stunned. "We're here," Jay calls out. He lowers Lucy to the floor and Erin watches the little girl look around expectantly, as if waiting for someone to jump up from behind her. Moments later the backyard door swings opens and Hank appears. The look of complete delight on Lucy's face is endearing, but mostly amusing.

"Papa!" The little girl yells, overflowing with energy and joy. She runs as fast as her little legs can take and leaps into Hank's outstretched arms.

"There's my favorite girl," Hank says.

Hank hugs Lucy a little too tightly and then hoists her on his hip. The grin on his face and the look of pure, unadulterated loved in his eyes for Lucy pulls strongly at Erin's heartstrings. This is a side of Hank she hasn't seen yet. When Erin's gaze finally meets his for the first time she feels a slight burning in the back of her eyes. Guilt and shame and unexpectedly love rise up all at once.

Hank walks over to where Erin is standing and snakes his arm around her. "How're doing, kid?"

"Good," she says, masking the turmoil inside her head.

He gives her shoulders a squeeze and says, "The kid is looking more and more like you every day."

"It's a good thing she looks like her mom," Justin says, entering the room. "No offence Jay."

Jay laughs. "None taken."

Justin ruffles Lucy's hair and then pats Jay on the back. "Hey Erin, Olive is waiting for you out back," Justin adds.

"Oh, okay," Erin says.

"Hey Pop, where tables at?" Justin asks.

"Downstairs," Hank says.

Justin turns to Jay and asks, "Do you mind helping me with them?"

"No, not at all," Jay says.

"I will come too. There are a few chairs we can use." Hank lowers Lucy to the floor and says, "Go with your mom outside to see Jack. Papa will be right there."

The guys disappear down to the basement and Erin stands there, transfixed and maybe still a little stunned. How baffling and impossible it is to see everyone getting along so well. Never in a million years did she think this would have been possible.

She takes a moment to look around the house, a house she pretty much grew up in, and notices that nothing has changed. Even the earthy, firewood smell still lingers. Erin feels like she doesn't deserve to be here. Suddenly she shivers, unsure whether she will be able to handle the emotion surging through her. But before she completely loses it, she feels a small hand tugging at hers.

"Come, Mamma," Lucy says, pointing to the back door. "See Jack!"

Erin looks down at this small person whom she still has a hard time believing is real. But again, maybe she is just a figment of Erin's wild imagination – like everything else. This whole life might be an alternative realty conjured by her mind –like a coping mechanism. People sometimes escape their horrific reality by making up a new one. Maybe this is what is happening.

Nonetheless, she takes Lucy's little hand in hers and together they walk outside.

Erin keeps busy helping with the party preparation while the guys set up the chairs and tables. Before she realizes it, the party is well under way and little kids are running around the yard in a flurry of giggles and squeals. She is surprised to see Adam and a very pregnant Kim arrive. Erin welcomes the ruckus, it keeps her mind in check – keeps her from thinking too much. But at some point the commotion gets to her. She distances herself from the crowd and walks to the far corner of the fenced yard, finding a bit of tranquility and enchantment while watching the kids play. She is so engrossed in her own head that she doesn't see Jay coming.

"Out with it," he says, leaning against the fence next to her.

"What?" Erin asks.

"You've been miles away all day," he says, taking a swig of his beer. "And I was talking to Burgess and she said you didn't drink that much, so we can skip the bad hand over excuse. So, what's going on?"

She shakes her head. "Nothing really."

Erin closes her eyes and feels the gentle breeze whisk by.

Jay decides not to push the subject and instead he watches her spellbound gaze on Lucy, who is running around the yard with the other kids. Her pigtails are loose and strands of her hair are flying everywhere. Her blue dress has grass and other unknown stains all over it.

"She's going to conk out tonight."

Erin laughs. "I don't think she has stopped for a single second."

"That's our Lucy," Jay says and sips his beer.

Erin sighs and looks at Jay. "I heard you talking to Ruzek earlier." Jay looks at her questioningly and she adds, "About Lucy."

"What about it?" Jay asks and takes a swig of his beer.

"You told him you were scared when you found out I was pregnant."

"Yeah, of course I was scared."

"When did you stop being scared?" Erin asks and looks at Jay.

Jay looks at Erin then wistfully at Lucy. "The day she was born, when we almost lost her, remember?"

Erin frowns. _We almost lost her?_ "H-How come?" Erin asks, her heart sinking to the pit of her stomach.

Jay exhales and takes another sip of his beer – a little liquid encouragement. "That was the day I realized how much I wanted her. Everything I was worried about didn't matter anymore." Jay shakes his head as if to shake the memory away. "Seeing her all purple and limp when she came out really put everything into perspective."

Erin hears his word and her heart breaks. She has no idea what happened – and she honestly doesn't want to know— but the thought of something happening to Lucy sends a shiver down her spine.

"She's one of the two best things I have," Jay states and takes another swig at his beer. "You being the other."

Erin smiles. There's a beat of silence and in the background plates clatter, voices rises and fall, and the occasional laughter breaks out. The silence prevails until Erin surprises herself by saying, "I wish Nadia was here to meet Lucy."

She doesn't really know why she let it slip. Again, this place always makes her more vulnerable, more unguarded. She looks at Jay for a reaction, but it doesn't come. Instead he looks tenderly at her and asks, "Have you been thinking about Nadia today?"

Erin nods and her eyes prickle. Sometimes the pain of Nadia's death draws closer instead of away with each passing day. Even when she's lying awake, she hears the drumbeat in her head: _your fault, your fault._

Jay moves closer to her and says, "Lucy would have loved Nadia."

Erin nods and turns her face away, regretting having mentioned her name.

"Hey." Jay says, prompting her to look at him. "Talking about her is okay, remember?" When Erin doesn't responds he asks, "What made you think of her today? It's been a while since you mentioned her."

Erin looks around at the crowd of smiling faces and says, "Maybe seeing everyone together… I don't know…" She lets the sentence linger.

Erin realizes that this is the first time she's mentioned Nadia to Jay since she died. From a very young age Erin learned to conceal her emotions – keep them under lock and key. This method has worked well, but it's currently backfiring. Maybe she should take her own advice and lean on _her_ team – Lucy and Jay.

Speaking of Lucy, the little girl spots the two of them and runs in their direction. Jay walks to her encounter and she flings herself in his arms.

"You having fun?" He asks.

"Uh-hum," Lucy hums.

"I bet you are." He walks back towards Erin and the little girl sighs and rests her head on his shoulders. Erin runs her hand over Lucy's sweaty forehead and then plants a kiss her flushed cheek.

"Battery running low," Jay states. "I think it's time for a recharge." He pokes Lucy's side and she squeals blissfully.

"C'mon," he says snaking his free arm around Erin. "I think it's almost time for cake."

"Cah-ke?" Lucy parrots, her head instantly popping up from Jay's shoulder.

"Uh-huh, and I think they have lollipops too," Jay says.

"Lollies!?" Lucy chirps.

"Yup," Jay says. "Now let's get us some cake!"

The party eventually runs its course and before Erin knows it they are saying their good byes. Then once again Erin finds herself staring out the passenger window –the engine noise, the repetition of stop signs and streetlights makers her calm. She looks at Jay and he beams her an easy smile. She looks to the backseat and Lucy is slumped sideways asleep, holding a red lollipop in her hand.

For a moment wishes she could stay here.

Can she?

* * *

Thank you for reading. And as usual, I will do my best to answer your review!


	4. Chapter 4

Thank you for the reviews. I apologize for not replying to them yet - I will. But I figured I should apologize by posting a new chapter.

T minus 2 days! I CAN'T WAIT.

I own nothing. But brilliant people do and I'm thankful for that.

* * *

They arrive back at the house and Erin watches Jay carefully pull a slumbering Lucy out of her car seat. Her eyes flutter open for a fraction of a second, but she quickly recognizes that it's dad who has her and she instantly nestles in his arms. Jay stands still for just a moment until the muffled sound of Lucy's breathing evens out. It's a beautiful thing to watch Jay be a father to Lucy. His care and overall love for her makes Erin's heart skip a beat.

Jay notices Erin curiously staring at him and mouths, "What? Did she wake up?"

"No, no…" Erin says.

Jay feigns a sigh relief. "You're still looking at me like I'm about to drop her."

Erin smiles. "It's just… You're really good with her."

"Nah, she's good with me." Jay winks at her and plants a kiss on Lucy's head. "Let's hope she goes down for at least an hour."

Once inside, Jay climbs up the stairs with Lucy and Erin stays behind. She almost doesn't know what to do with herself. She walks around running her finger over the furniture and other picture frames, looking at a person who looks like her, but for all intents and purposes, isn't her. The more time she spends in this reality, the more she doesn't want to leave it.

Jay's footsteps echoes as he walks down the stairs with an awake Lucy hoisted on his hip.

"She woke up as soon as I laid her down," Jay says shaking his head, but the smile on his face tells Erin that he doesn't mind it at all.

Slowly, Lucy rubs her eyes open and reaches out to Erin. Erin takes her in her arms and the little girl lays her head on her shoulder.

Jay plants a kiss on their cheeks and says, "C'mon, the game is on."

He then heads to the living room, plopping himself on the couch and turning the TV on. He looks back at Erin and pats the space next to him. She walks over and sits down with Lucy, who is very much glued to her chest. She runs her fingers gently through the little girl's hair feeling the soft texture under her fingertips. Erin takes one of Lucy's little hands and holds it in her own. She examines each little finger before kissing her chubby palm. She's enchanted by Lucy's tranquility and innocence. Life seems so uncomplicated and so sweet with her.

It doesn't take long for Lucy to be up and fully awake, running around the living room, injecting a hefty sum of bliss in the air. At some point Jay gets up, walks to the kitchen and brings back two beers and a sippy cup.

"Here," he hands a beer to Erin.

Erin smiles and takes a bottle from his hand. "Thanks."

"And this is for you," Jay says, handing Lucy a sippy cup. The little girl takes it and begins to gulp it down.

Jay takes his sit next to Erin on the couch and sips of his beer. The sun has moved low in the sky. It looks melted into an orange pool of light outside the living room window.

"Did you know Lucy's fingers are just like yours?" Erin says.

"Yeah." Jay chuckles and takes a swig of his beer. "She had to have inherited something from me, right?"

"I think she looks like you," Erin says and Jay scoffs. "Like, when she smiles and her nose crinkles," she explains.

"It's okay," he says with a lazy grin. "I'm totally okay if all our kids look like you."

"All our kids?" Erin asks.

"We have to give her some competition, no?"

Erin sips her beer. "I guess."

Lucy walks up to Jay and hands him the sippy cup. "Done," she chirps. She climbs on the couch and then on Jay's lap.

"Lucy," Jay says. "Do you want a little brother or a sister?"

In her innocent ways, Lacy parrots her dad, "Botheer, Sistah."

"So both, you say?"

Lucy smiles and tilts her head sideways as if to say, _I don't know._

Jay kisses her cheek and looks at Erin, "She wants a brother _and_ a sister."

Erin looks at the two beings in front of her and her heart fills with delight. She nods because she doesn't know what else do to. Can the world have too many Halsteads? She doesn't think so. She thinks back to the conversation about Lucy's birth and says, "Let's hope the birth of the next one won't be like Lucy's."

Jay's face contorts with the memories and Erin can see that the day Lucy was born was emotionally daunting for him. "It will be different," he says firmly. He shakes whatever ill thoughts are in his head and smiles at Erin. "Hey, it will be fun seeing you pregnant again."

Erin notices his attempt to quickly change the subject, but decides not to push it. "Oh yeah? How come?"

"I don't know." He shrugs. "I liked when you were pregnant. I liked feeling the karate kid here kick. Remember? She was one active baby."

Erin nods, even though she doesn't have these memories. There is so many things she wants to know, but she feels it would be strange for her to ask given that she should know all these things. Erin watches Jay take Lucy's chubby feet in his hands and mimic her kicking. Lucy giggles.

"You did this _all_ night in your mamma's tummy. We thought there might have been two of you in there," Jay says and point at Erin's stomach.

"In dere?" Lucy asks.

"That's right kiddo."

Jay then takes Lucy's small hands in his and pretends to punch himself. The make-believe match is complete with sound effects and everything. Needless to say, Lucy is elated.

Jay smiles and looks at Erin, her gaze seems miles away. "You got that look again."

"What?" Erin says, meeting his gaze. "What look?"

"I don't know. You've had this look all day," Jay settles Lucy on his lap and asks, "Are you still thinking about Nadia?"

To her surprise, Erin realizes that she hadn't been thinking of Nadia "No, I'm not thinking about Nadia."

"Okay," Jay nods and lets Lucy slide down from his lap. He looks at Erin, trying to decipher every little expression rippling across her face. All day he's noticed that there was something amiss with her, but he hasn't been able to figure it out what it is. Bringing up Nadia and talking about Lucy's birth – two subjects that are very sensitive to them – is definitely a red flag.

"You would tell me if there was something going on, right?" He asks. Just to be sure.

"Yeah," Erin says, trying her best to sound convincing.

"Okay," he says and places a kiss on her cheek. "How about I give this one a bath." He angles his head towards Lucy. "And put her to bed so we can have a relaxing evening?" Jay winks. "What do you say?"

Erin smiles. "Okay."

Jay places a strand of hair behind her ear and kisses her softly on the lips.

"C'mon, Lucy," Jay says standing up. "It's bath time."

Lucy immediately begins tugging at her clothes. "Out da-dy," she says excitedly.

Jay picks Lucy up and pulls the dress she's wearing over her head, leaving her in only diapers. She wiggles happily in his arms as he blows a raspberry on her belly. "To the bathroom," he says, like a captain at the helm of a ship.

Erin watches them go upstairs and she's not sure why, but tears roll down her cheeks.

Later that night Erin lays in bed deliciously exhausted. Jay lays snug against her, torqued in his usual sleeping position, slumbering the night away. She wants to surrender to sleep but she's afraid that when she wakes up she won't be here – that her trip will have run its course. But just before sleep pulls her under, Erin hears a small, high-pitched wail. Gradually she becomes aware that it is Lucy's. She looks up at the baby monitor and sees the lights flashing with each her cries. She slowly extracts herself from underneath Jay and quietly pads over to the nursery. As soon as she opens the door, the crying softens.

"Mammaaaa….." Lucy sobs.

"C'mere, baby girl." Erin says, lifting a tearful Lucy into her arms. She cradles the child's head against her shoulder. "It's okay, sweetie. I got you," she whispers into the child's soft hair.

"Mamma." The little girl nuzzles close, burying her face in Erin's shirt.

Erin takes a seat on the rocking chair and Lucy cozily nestles over Erin's chest. The weight of the little girl grounds Erin, she feels like it has the power to keep her here, in this reality. She lays her cheek against Lucy's and pulls her even closer.

"What can I do to stay here forever?" Erin whispers, listening to Lucy's soft sniffles.

Erin's eyes falls on the photo mounted on the wall. The light peering through the window giving it a soft glow. Jay, herself, and Lucy – a moment between them eternally caught on camera. She stares at the frame, trying to keep that image in her mind forever. Now that Erin experienced this overwhelming, endless kind of love, she doesn't think she can live a day without them. Just thinking about not seeing their smiling faces pulls so tightly at Erin's heartstrings that she feels her heart is being ripped apart.

"I don't want to leave you. I want to stay," Erin whispers and tears begin to freely roll down her cheeks. She bends down and kisses Lucy's head. "I wish I could stay here forever."

Erin tries to keep awake and will herself to stay, but in the back of her mind she knows it's a lost cause. She wraps her arms tightly around Lucy just holding, holding, and holding, refusing to let her go.

"I'm going to miss you so much," she whispers and lets sleep take her under.

...x...

Down the hall, Jay sits in bed paralyzed, listening to Erin's words on the baby monitor.

* * *

Thanks you for reading! You're opinion is very much valued and appreciated.

TWO. MORE. DAYS.

Cheers!


	5. Chapter 5

It's CPD day! Woo-hoo! Again, I want to thank ya'll for the lovely reviews. You guys sure know how to encourage a girl to write.

I own nothing.

* * *

 _I don't want to leave you…._

 _I want to stay…_

 _I'm going to miss you…_

Jay is paralyzed. The world around him seems to blur as he stares straight ahead in a sort of daze. He can't believe what he is hearing. He can't make sense of the words coming out of Erin's mouth and his mind fills with dread and worry. He sinks lower into the bed, all his energy draining away with each passing second. He knew there was something off about her. It is almost like she split into two separate beings – one is feeling, and the other retreating to a distance.

He finds his bearings and wills himself to walk to the nursery. He slowly pushes the door open still somewhat in denial about what he heard. He sees her asleep on the rocker with Lucy. He doesn't really know what to do. Jay doesn't think that pulling Lucy away from her or waking her up is the best option. So he quietly enters the nursery and shuts the door behind him. He slides down the door and watches them until he finally slips into the nothingness of sleep.

...x...

Erin wakes up, but she keeps her eyes tightly shut. She immediately feels the lack of Lucy's weight on her chest and a sense of dread travels up her spine. She feels like she is missing a huge part of herself and all that's left are frail remnants of a functioning person. She can't bear the thought that everything she lived the day before is gone. Tears begin to burn the back of her eyes, but slowly she peers past them to see pale green walls. She sits up and realizes she's still on the rocking chair in Lucy's nursery. A deep peace settles over her heart.

She stands up and checks the crib, but Lucy is not there. She steps out in the hallway and everything is eerily quiet. She walks into their bedroom and sees an unmade bed, but no Jay. However, when she climbs down the stairs, she finds him seated on the kitchen table nursing a cup of coffee. The early morning sun cast long shadows from the trees outside over him. He looks pale and tired as if he hadn't slept all night.

"Morning," she states, although it sounded more like a question.

"Morning," Jay replies. His voice a bit hoarse.

Erin notices Jay's quiet demeanor and she feels a moment of distant panic. She pans her eyes around the kitchen and asks, "Where is Lucy?"

"I, um, dropped her off with Will," Jay replies.

"Oh," Erin says. She doesn't know what to make of it, so she asks. "Why?"

Jay takes a sip of his coffee and says, "We need to talk."

His tone spike a degree of fright in her. "What do you want to talk about," she says, taking a careful seat across from him on the table.

Jay takes a deep breath and holds it as he debates on whether or not to say what he is thinking. "Erin," says in a kind voice, reaching for her hands. "I heard you on the baby monitor last night."

Erin stares at their intertwined hands then looks up at Jay. His eyebrows are raised and he is chewing the corner of his lip. Erin knows that face. He wants her to let him in and as much as a part of her wants to tell him everything, she's smart enough to know he would never believe her.

"What did you hear?" She asks, knowing full well that he heard everything.

"Erin," Jay says softly. "Are you thinking of leaving?"

Erin lets her head hang low. That was the last thing she wanted him to ask.

"Erin..." Jay gently lifts her chin up and looks her in the eyes and it's almost as though he is burrowing a hole through her heart.

"No," she says truthfully.

Jay looks at her confused. His voice is tight when he speaks. "Then why were saying those things to Lucy?"

"I, um," Erin struggles to find the words to explain what is really going on. "I didn't think when I went to sleep last night that I would wake up… _here_."

Jay looks at her even more perplexed than before. "Wha – Where did you think you would be?"

Erin untangles her hands from his and runs over her face. "Look, this is going to sound weird and unreal, but I promise you I'm telling you the truth."

Jay looks at her maintaining his baffled expression. "What is it?"

"I'm not the Erin you think I am."

Jay's mouth opens but he is at a loss for words. Jay shakes his head and says, "What are you talking about?"

"The last thing I remember before yesterday was handing in my badge and–"

"Wait…What?" Jay interrupts her, trying to wrap his mind around what she said. "You handed in your badge?"

"After what happened with Nadia I just—"

"Hold on…." Jay says, standing up and running a hand through his hair. "Are you talking about what happened five years ago?"

"Has it been five years?" Erin knows how absurd this sounds and if she was in Jay's shoes she would have called bullshit a long time ago. "All I remember the day before yesterday was that I handed in my badge and just..." She lets the sentence go unfinished as shame washes over her. "Then the next thing I know I'm here," Erin says hesitantly. "I thought this whole thing was me tripping or dreaming or… I don't know. I thought I would wake up in my apartment."

Jay looks dazed, unable to digest the incongruity of it all. "Let me get this straight." He walks around the table and pulls a chair next to her. "You have no idea what happened in the last five years? Like, some sort of amnesia?"

"Kind of…I don't know," Erin says confused. "As absurd as this seems, it feels like I traveled in time." Erin looks gravely at Jay and adds, "I just met Lucy for the first time yesterday."

"You just met Lucy…" Jay says under his breath, shaking his head. "Okay, this is crazy. I think I need to take you to a hospital."

"No, I don't need a hospital. I'm not crazy, Jay," Erin says a bit defensive.

"Erin, you're telling me you just met our daughter." He takes her hand and brings it to his lips. "This isn't normal Erin. I'm worried."

"How do you think I feel? Jay, I woke up and I have a life I don't remember. I have a daughter I don't recall having…"

Jay sighs. He lets his head hang low. "Is this why you keep bringing up her birth? You don't remember what happened that day?"

"I don't remember being pregnant with Lucy. I don't remember having Lucy." Erin pauses and then adds, "I don't remember _us_."

Jay feels like he just took a punch to his stomach. "Erin, I think I need to get you checked out."

"I'm not crazy," she insists.

Jay looks gravely at her. "I'm not saying you're crazy. But what you're telling me is crazy."

"I know," Erin agrees.

After a beat of silence she quietly asks, "What happened when Lucy was born? "

Still in disbelief, Jay tilts his head to the side and says, "Erin, you were there. You know what happened."

"Jay…."

Jay bites his bottom lip. Is he really going to play along? "Okay, um, you were in labor for like, twenty hours, and when it was finally time to push, Lucy's heartrate began to drop. They said it was negligible so you started pushing…. You don't remember any of this?" Jay asks.

"No."

Jay shakes his head, still incredulous. "You pushed for a very long time and with every push Lucy's heartrate dropped. You were getting tired and she was not coming out. Then her heart monitor flat lined. That's when all hell broke loose. I don't know what they did, but within the next five minutes Lucy came out….''

Erin can see the hurt and pain in his eyes and hears it in his voice. She places her hand on top of his. She can feel him trembling – at least she thinks it is him. It might be her.

"She came out and she was blue and not breathing." He glances down at the floor as he pauses to gather his thoughts, then looks up to recapture her gaze. "They rubbed her chest for a while and when that didn't work, they rammed tubes into her throat. Then they just…took her away. You freaked out. Your monitors starting beeping like crazy and the next thing I know I'm being pushed out the room." Jay releases a long breath and adds, "I waited an entire hour before I got any news on either of you."

"What happened to Lucy?"

"The umbilical cord wrapped around her neck and she asphyxiated. She stayed in the NICU under observation for nearly a week."

Erin looks at him and sees the pain that still lingers in his eyes. "I can't imagine what you went through."

Jay pulls her in his arms, holding her close. "What we went through," he says tentatively. "Does anything ring a bell?"

Erin shakes her head. There's a beat of silence between them, punctuated only by the sounds of the city waking up outside.

"I don't know what's going on with you. Just tell me what you need from me," Jay says.

"You still have my back?"

He pauses and then looks straight into her eyes. "Always."

* * *

Thanks for reading. Your thoughts/ideas/questions are always welcomed.

 _Remember there's no such thing as a small act of kindness. Every act creates a ripple with no logical end_ \- Scott Adams.

Let's be kind today.

Cheers!


	6. Chapter 6

Thank you for your support and incredibly kind words.

Here is the next installment of this fic.

I own: Nada.

* * *

 _"I don't know what's going on with you. Just tell me what you need from me," Jay says._

 _"You still have my back?"_

 _He pauses and then looks straight into her eyes. "Always."_

 _..x…_

"So, what do we do now?" Erin asks. "Do we go to work?"

Jay looks at Erin, his expression uncertain. "I don't know if you should," he says honestly. "Or if I should go either." Jay knows he won't be able to keep his head screwed on straight knowing Erin is not herself.

"I'm assuming we're working in Intelligence?" Erin asks.

Jay nods, baffled by what is slowly becoming a nightmare. "Yeah, we're still working in intelligence."

Erin racks her brain, trying to figure out what could have possibly made her return to her detective post. In her mind, there is absolutely nothing with enough pull that could drag her back. But something did. She wants to ask him what, but from the concerned look on Jay's face, she decides against it.

"Look Erin," Jay says, taking her hands in his. "I know you don't want to go to the hospital—"

"Jay—"

"Wait, wait. Hear me out." Jay interrupts her. "Can you at least see my brother? He might help us understand what is going on. Like, is this temporary? Will it get worse? Erin, people don't forget things. Not like this."

Erin doesn't think Will is going to shed any light in the matter. The reason Erin doesn't remember the last five years is because she is certain she hasn't lived them yet. But if agreeing to see Will is going to ease Jay's mind for the time being, she will accept.

"Sure. But tomorrow. Let's just see how today goes, okay?" Erin suggests. When Jay nods in agreement, Erin is quick to change the subject, "How about Lucy? Are we going to pick her up?" She missed seeing Lucy's bright, cheeky smile.

"I asked Will to drop her off at the district before his shift," Jay says. "That is, if we're going to work."

"If we don't Voight will know something is up and I don't need another person telling me I need to be admitted."

"Erin—"

"Look, I understand you are worried," she says and squeezes his hand. "I already agreed to see your brother. Let's just see how today goes."

Jay hesitates, but half-heartedly relents. He stands up and offers Erin a hand. "C'mon, we're going to be late for work."

..x…

Jay looks at the clock and it is almost noon. Things are quiet at the precinct and he thanks the heavens for the momentary peace amidst the storm in his head. From the moment they stepped into the bullpen Erin became uncharacteristically quiet. He can't help but notice her gaze wandering every so often to Nadia's former desk, now mouse's. Over the years he has been pretty good at reading her, but for the past two days it is as though a curtain has been pulled down, covering what's behind her eyes. There was only one other time when Jay remembers seeing Erin like this… and it was five years ago.

 _This can't be happening._

He stands up, walks over, and rests his hands on either side of her desk. "Doing okay?"

"Um, yeah… I'm fine," she says. "Slow day."

"Yeah. We don't get a lot of these around here," he says.

Erin leafs through the open folders in front of her and says, "I have accumulated a lot of CI's in the past five years."

"I think those are just pending processing. You have a whole filing cabinet down in records."

"I've been busy," she says.

"Yeah," Jay agrees and Erin notices a hint of melancholy in his tone. But he is quick to brush it off. "Oh, Will got called in to work early, so he is dropping Lucy off."

Erin frowns and looks up at him, "When?"

"I don't know, in ten minutes," Jay says and sees a ripple of worry move across Erin's face. "What is it?"

"I don't know. This is not the best place for a two-year old to hang out."

Jay can't help but laugh. "We are keeping an eye on her. We're not just letting her roam around."

"I don't know. This is new to me," she whispers.

Jay let's his head hang low for a few moments before he meets Erin's gaze. "Look, she'll be fine. Plus, I wouldn't let anything happen to her."

"I know," Erin says. "It's just… she's little."

Jay smiles. "Why don't we go outside get some air while we wait for Will."

"Okay," she says and grabs her sweater from behind the chair. "Let's go."

It's a bright morning in Chicago. The sun is high, but the breeze has that fall crisp quality to it. It isn't long before Will is pulling up to the precinct and hauling out a bubbly Lucy from the back seat of his car. Lucy is quick to trot over to Erin and leap into her arms.

"Hi Mamma!" Lucy chirps.

"Hi, baby girl. I missed you," Erin says, kissing Lucy's cheek.

Jay kisses Lucy's hair and say, "Say bye to Uncle Will."

Lucy waves. "Bye-bye."

Jay hugs his brother and says, "Thanks for looking after her this morning."

"Yeah no problem." Will pulls Jay to the side and asks. "Everything okay?"

Jay gives Will a knowing look. "I don't know yet. But I will call you tomorrow."

Will pats Jay on the back and says, "Okay. See you guys later." He waves good-bye and jumps into his car.

They walks back into the precinct and they are immediately met with a very enthusiastic Platt. The usual commotion at the front desk causes Lucy to recoil into Erin's arm.

"The Lindsay girls!" Platt says. "How is it going today?"

"Lindsay girls?" Jay scoffs. "Hey Luce, what's your _whole_ name?"

Lucy lifts her head up and looks sheepishly around. "Lucee Al'sted."

Jay plants a kiss on Lucy's cheek and raises a defiant eyebrow to Platt.

"Don't worry sweetie, I won't hold that against you," Platt says, looking pointedly at Jay.

Jay roll his eyes and Erin smiles.

Platt ignores Jay and asks, "Is she hanging out upstairs?"

"For a little while," Erin answers.

"Well, if things pick up, bring her down and I will keep an eye on her."

"Thanks," Erin says unsure. When they are out of Platt's earshot she asks, "Do we ever leave Lucy with her?"

"No," Jay says, shaking his head.

They climb up the stairs and Lucy is quick to slide out of Erin's arms to run straight to Voight office. She bangs on the door with adamant closed fists. "Papa!"

"Papa is not there, Luce," Jay says.

"I wanna Papa." Lucy pleas.

"Papa is coming soon," Jay says and ushers her away from Voight's office.

"Hey Lucy," Antonio says.

At the mentioned of her name, Lucy looks around the bullpen.

"Go say hi to Antonio," Jay prompts.

Lucy shuffles her feet towards Antonio, but then decides to stand near Erin instead.

"One day she'll come to me," Antonio says.

"Where's everybody?" Erin asks, looking around the empty desks. They weren't gone for that long.

"Voight and Olinsky went to Sal's and Ruzek and Atwater are meeting a CI," Antonio says and picks up a post-it note from his desk and hands it to Erin. "Bunny called."

Erin looks down at the post-it note and then at Jay. Jay walks up to her and carefully takes the note from her hand, looks at it, then crumples it.

Erin frowns at his reaction. "Can I talk to you for a minute?" She asks, tilting her head towards the kitchen.

"Sure," Jay says nonchalantly.

Erin walks towards the kitchen until Lucy stops at her desk and pulls the bottom drawer open. Surprisingly, Erin see a plethora of small toys there, to which Lucy takes a few in her hands.

"Okay detective Al'sted, let's go play in the kitchen," Erin beckons and Lucy trots to the kitchen where Jay is already seated on the couch. Erin takes a seat next to Jay and for a few moments they are silent, watching Lucy roam around.

"Before you ask anything," Jay begins. "Bunny has been out of the picture for a few years actually. Your choice. She has not met Lucy yet, but since she's was released she's been trying to reach out."

"Bunny got pinched?" Erin asks, but isn't surprised.

"Yeah," Jay says and doesn't elaborate.

"Do you know what she wants?"

"What she always wants. She want to be back in your life, and now Lucy's life." Jay looks at his daughter, watching her twirling around with a toy in her hand, and says, "I'm not down with that."

Erin releases a deep breath.

"If you want to go see her, that's fine. But she's not getting anywhere near Lucy and I mean that."

"She won't hurt her," Erin says, not intending to sound defensive.

Jay thinks about reminding Erin what Bunny has been up to in the last five years, but he rather not. "Erin, a lot has happened," he says cautiously. "Bunny probably has the greatest intentions, but Lucy is my kid and I draw the line there."

Erin frowns at Jay's adamant stance on Bunny. She agrees, but she wants to know what he knows.

"Look, I just don't trust her," Jay says.

Erin is silent for a moment. "So she's never met Lucy?"

"No," Jay says and places his hand on her knee. "Bunny's nothing but bad news."

Jay's words sting, even though she doesn't let it show. Erin feels _she's_ nothing but bad news too. Perhaps it runs in her blood. Somehow in this future she managed to pull herself out of the hole, but that Erin is not her.

Lucy eventually wonders back into the bullpen and Erin and Jay leisurely follow her out. Jay walks behind his desk and Erin leans against hers. She look behind her and sees Lucy going for the toy drawer again.

"You, know." She turns to Jay and says, "Bunny's not going to stop. She's going to keep pushing until she gets what she wants."

Jay looks around and see that Antonino has busied himself with a phone call. "Bunny can push all she wants. I'm not budging on this."

Erin exhales audibly. She looks at Lucy, who is now going through all the drawers in her desk. She smiles and turns back to Jay. "She's not budging either."

"I'm confident that I'll outlast Bunny. Any day," Jay says self-assured.

A clashing noise behind Erin causes her to turn back to Lucy, who has dropped a can of peanuts on the ground.

"Oh, Luce," She chuckles and walks around the desk. She sees Lucy place a few peanuts in her mouth, but she brushes off from her hands and says, "That's dirty, baby girl."

"What happened?" Jay asks, stretching his neck to the side to see what is going on.

"Oh, Lucy just dropped the can of peanuts," Erin says, bending down to gather the mess on the floor.

"What?" Jay says, quickly standing up.

"She dropped the peanuts everywhere." Erin smiles and waves Jay off. "I got it."

But to Erin's surprise, Jay is there scooping Lucy off the floor, brushing off any peanut residue from her hands and clothes. He inspects Lucy's mouth and his heart sinks when he sees a few pieces on the side of her mouth. "Did she eat them?"

Erin's smile slips from her lips. "What? I-I think she maybe put a few in her mouth." Erin says, not understanding Jay's concern.

Erin watches Jay's face pale and a look of despair etch on his face.

"Lucy," He says, picking up a peanut from the floor. "Did you eat this?"

The tension and the urgency in Jay's tone causes Lucy's sweet little face to darken in confusion. She shrinks back in his arms.

Antonio notices the fuss and asks, "Hey, what's going on?"

"It's Lucy," Jay says a bit out breath. "I think she ate some peanuts."

Before Jay finishes speaking, Antonio is there. "Check her mouth."

"I did," Jay says. "I found a few pieces."

Jay continues to inspect Lucy's face and notices a slight reddening near her mouth. "Okay, um, Antonio tell Voight we're taking Lucy to Chicago med."

"Sure thing," Antonio says.

Erin looks between the two men, trying to put the pieces in her head together. She watches Jay shift Lucy to one arm while he frantically goes through his desk, opening and closing drawers, shifting piles of paper everywhere until he finds what he is looking for – an epi pen _._ The realization hits her like a punch to the gut. _Lucy is allergic to peanuts._ Erin suddenly can't breathe.

"C'mon," he beckons Erin. "We have to go."

Erin follows Jay as he rushes down the back stairs that leads to the loading dock. Just when they reach the car, Lucy throws up all over Jay.

"Oh god!" Erin shrieks.

Jay tries to remain calm. He massages Lucy's back until he is sure she has gotten everything out. He then holds her at arm's length, trying to keep whatever she spilled on his sweater away from her. But the little girl is startled and begins to cry.

"Oh Lucy, it's okay," Jay says. He motions to Erin. "Can you take her?"

Erin nods and carefully takes a crying Lucy into her arms. She pulls Lucy's dirty sweater off, and as she does, Erin sees tiny red dots on her belly.

"Jay," Erin calls.

Jay, who is pulling his own sweatshirt off and trying to clean himself up, looks at her. "What?"

Erin pulls Lucy's shirt all the way up, revealing the red dots spreading across her little torso.

Jay nods knowingly. "C'mon," he says. "We'll be there in 5 minutes. I'll call Will and he will meet us at the entrance."

"She's going to be okay, right?" Erin asks.

Jay buckles Lucy, who is now heavily sobbing, in her seat, and says. "Of course," he says, perhaps more to himself. "Ride in the back with her. If she starts wheezing," Jay says and places the epi pen in her hands. "You pull this off and push it against her thigh until you hear it click, okay?

Erin nods and Jay sees dread in her eyes. He kisses her forehead before jumping into the driver's seat. Jay turns the wheel and backs out of the lot, his eyes fixed on the rearview mirror.

Erin knows this was her fault. She will not be able to live with herself if Lucy is not okay.

"Mamma! Mammaaaaa!" The little girl cries over and over again.

Lucy's frantic screams pierce the air along with her heart. The hospital is only a few minutes away, but the ride there seem to take forever. Erin sits numbly in the backseat, keeping a vigilant eye on Lucy, whose cheeks are reddening and lips are beginning to plump up.

"….She threw up…. Yes, and it's spreading all over her body. Tiny, red dots…"

Erin hears Jay speaking into his phone.

"….We are three minutes out…We'll meet you there…Okay…Bye," Jay says and ends the call. He looks in the rearview mirror and his eyes meet Erin's. "How are we doing?"

"Her lips are swelling up."

"We're almost there," Jay says and Erin feels the car pull forward as Jay rams on the gas.

The seconds feels like minutes and the minutes feels like hours, but soon enough they pull into the emergency dock of Chicago Med. Will and two nurses are there waiting for them. Jay pulls a sobbing Lucy from her car seat, but when a nurse tries take her, Jay hesitates.

"I got her," Will says, putting his hand reassuringly on Jay shoulder.

Will takes Lucy from Jay and the little girl's cries becomes more desperate. She reaches her little arms towards Jay and Erin, crying, "Mammaaaaaa! Da-dyyyyy!"

Erin's heart climbs into her throat, making it impossible for her to breathe. Her eyes flood with tears. "It's my fault," she says nearly choking on her guilt.

Her plaintive tone, mixture of regret and guilt, along with her broken façade shoots right at Jay's heart. He puts his arm around her and draws her in. "She's going to be okay," He assures her.

"It's my fault," she repeats. Her broken, trembling cry tears past layer upon layer of fear and guilt, until finally it shatters the walls of her heart. "I didn't know, Jay. I'm sorry."

Jay doesn't say anything. Then the words she said just that morning, _I'm not the Erin you think I am,_ repeats in his head. But he pushes those thoughts from his mind and tightens his hold around her.

They follow the team inside and after a battery of tests, needle pricks, and a lot more tears, the IV lines are in and the medication is surging. Will motions for them to come near and Lucy all but throws herself into Erin's arms. Erin sits on the bed, cradling the little girl in her arms.

Will stands in the middle of the room and says, "We're giving her antihistamines for now. She's doesn't seem to be going into anaphylactic shock, but we want to keep an eye on her."

"She's going to be fine, right?" Jay asks.

"Yeah," Will says, patting his brother's back.

Jay releases a breath he didn't know he was holding. He rests his hands on his knees for a few moments, letting his qualms crumble off his shoulders.

"Hey man, can I talk to you outside?" Will asks, angling his head towards the door.

"Yeah," Jay agrees. He walks over to Erin and places a kiss on Lucy's hot, tear-streaked cheek, then let's his lips linger a few moments longer on Erin's forehead. "Be right back," he says.

Erin nods.

Jay steps outside and Will leads him down the hall to an empty examination room.

"What happened?" Will asks.

"Um…" Jay runs a hand through his hair, trying to get his bearings. "Lucy was playing around Erin's desk and she found a can of peanuts and she dropped it on the floor. I think she ate maybe one or two."

"Okay," Will says. He looks at his brother and sees worry still etched on his face. "Jay, Lucy will be fine. The rashes will take maybe a day to go away, but she'll be up and running in no time."

Jay looks gravely at his brother and says, "It's not Lucy I'm worried about."

Will furrows his brow and says, "Who are you worried about?"

"It's Erin."

* * *

Thank you for reading. Your feedback is appreciated, much like the Lindstead couch. I appreciate the HELL out of the Linstead couch.

Cheers!


	7. Chapter 7

#NBCChicagoDay Had me in front of the computer for most of the day yesterday and this chapter sort of finished writing itself. Thank you again for the kind reviews. Ya'll are the most lovely bunch of humans!

I own nothing. I might own Lucy, but I'll fork her over if CPD writers want her *wink* *wink*

* * *

 _Jay looks gravely at his brother and says, "It's not Lucy I'm worried about."_

 _Will furrows his brow and says, "Who are you worried about?"_

" _It's Erin."_

Jay slowly relates the events of the past two days to his brother. Will listens intently, unable to ignore the shattering stroke of Jay's heart with every word he utters.

"Wait, Erin doesn't remember the last five years?"

"No, she doesn't," Jay says soberly. "The last thing she remembers was handing in her badge after Nadia died." Jay scratches his head. "How is that even possible?"

Will is taken aback. He quickly racks his brain and says, "There are many reasons that can cause memory loss on a person."

"Could it be reversed? Could Erin's memory return?"

"I can't know for sure what is going on with Erin until I do a full eval on her. Has she been vomiting or feeling nauseous?"

Jay shakes his head, "No."

"Has she been having headaches or dizzy spells?"

"No," Jay says, "She is physically fine. She just can't remember the last five years."

Will runs a hand through his hair. "She needs to be seen. This could be potentially serious."

"She asked me to wait until tomorrow."

"She needs medical attention, Jay. You have to convince her to see someone. I can stay late and we can run a few tests. Nobody needs to know."

"Erin's stubborn," Jay says.

"She might be more willing to accept help after today," Will offers.

"Or she will completely shut me out."

Will smiles empathetically. "C'mon," Will says offering Jay a hand. "I need to do my rounds and you need to be with Erin and Lucy. I will stop by in a little while check in on her. They will probably release her later today."

Jay pulls Will for a hug and says, "Thanks for everything."

Will leaves and Jay walks back to the room, finding Erin holding a now sleeping Lucy in her arms. Jay watches Erin rock Lucy, while tears rolls down her cheeks. It's a heartbreaking scene to watch. He feels powerless, knowing he is unable to fix whatever is broken within Erin that.

"Hey," he says approaching the bed.

Erin looks up and with a free hand she dabs at her eyes. "Hi."

Jay runs his hand over Lucy's cheek and says, "She's finally out, uh?"

"Yeah, the nurse said the medication they are pumping into her are to blame."

Jay kisses Lucy's hair and pulls a chair closer to the bed, taking a seat. "Will said they should be releasing her later today."

Erin releases a shaky breath and says, "That's good." She looks down at Lucy and then gravely back at Jay. "Hey, um, I've been thinking." She blinks a few times, and says through clenched teeth, "Maybe I should keep my distance for a while."

Taken aback, Jay stands up pushing the chair abruptly across the tiled floor. His ears buzz and he feels his world shift out of balance. "What are you talking about, Erin?"

Erin tightens her hold on Lucy and says, "I'm not myself. I keep thinking that this wouldn't have happened if I hadn't been there..."

Jay recognizes this pattern of thinking and he knows exactly where she is headed. Down.

"…And it's always the people that I care about the most that ends up getting hurt," Erin adds.

"Erin," Jay says cupping her face so that she is looking directly in his eyes. "This was not your fault."

Erin turns away and says, "Jay, don't need to sugar coat things for me. If I had known Lucy was allergic to peanuts I would have pulled the can out of her hand the instant I saw her taking it from the drawer."

"It doesn't matter." He shakes his head. "You are not keeping your distance from us. You hear me?" He says.

Tears effortlessly spill from Erin's eyes. "Jay—"

"No Erin," he interrupts her. "Whatever is happening with you, we'll figure it out… together," Jay says, emphasizing the last word. He pulls her into hug, feeling the strain of her muscles under the tips of his fingers. Jay's heart tightens inside his chest. Everything seems to be slipping away from his grasp and he can't find any quick absorbing action that will get it under control. "We'll figure this out."

The moment is interrupted by the door opening behind them. Jay turns and sees an anxious Hank walking in.

"I came as soon as I heard," he says. "How's Lucy?" He asks.

Erin turns, trying desperately, but failing to hide her tear-stricken face.

Jay clears his throat. "She's good now," he says. He looks straight at Erin and adds, "It was just a scare."

"Oh, good." Hank releases a breath he'd been holding. He walks up to Erin and says, "How're you doing, kid?"

"Uh, not good," Erin says honestly.

Hank smiles knowingly and runs his hand over Lucy's hair. "What did the doctors say?"

"They said she's stable. They want to keep her under observation for a little while," Jay says. "But she should be discharged later today."

"Good," Hank says. He pats Jay on the back and adds, "I will let the team know all is good. If anything changes, call."

"We will," Jay says.

Hank cups Erin's jawline and when he sees worry still etched on her face he gives her chin a slight squeeze. "Things happen, kid. Trust me. Lucy is alright. She's tough."

A faint smile pulls at the corners of Erin's lips.

"Keep me in the loop," Hank says and with a final wave, he leaves.

The room falls silent.

After a moment Jay takes a seat next to Erin and says, "The first time I held Lucy was in the NICU. The nurses pulled her out of the incubator and placed here," Jay says patting his chest. "I remember she jerked once and kicked out her legs. Her tiny face screwed up, and she began to cry. I went to move my hand, but my hospital arm band caught on a line on her foot and pulled it out. Turns out, it was an artery line. An alarm sounded and within seconds, two nurses were pulling Lucy from me. I felt like the worse parent in the world. But you," Jay says looking at Erin. "You took my hand and said, 'Try again.'"

He remembers clearly that Erin had been scared out of her mind just as he was when the alarm pierced he air in the NICU. But instead reprimanding or adding fuel to his already guilty conscience, she simply told he to try again.

"What happened today was scary and I would be lying if I told you that I'm totally okay. But I'm going to tell you the same thing you told me that day in the NICU. Try again. If not for me, for Lucy."

"Jay, I'm not in a headspace right now that I can trust myself with…anything," she says and looks down at Lucy. Her eyes brim with unshed tears. "I thought I could handle it, but…" She lets the sentence linger.

Jay feels as if someone is pulling his internal strings and lacerating every organ in his body. "You're not in this alone. I'm here."

"I can't be the mom Lucy needs right now…I'm no better than my own mother."

Jay's eyes glistens. "Erin…"

"My mother never meant to hurt me, but she did. So many times. And I forgave her every time. I believed her each time she said she would change – but she never did. Then one day, I just ran out of forgiveness, and I started to hate her," Erin says with her gaze drawn to sweet Lucy's face. "I don't want that for Lucy."

"Erin, listen to me. You are _not_ your mom. The past two years have proven that much. Lucy is the luckiest kid in the world to have _you_ as her mom."

With her heart broken in pieces, she looks away and says, "I'm not _that_ Erin..."

There is a coldness to her voice that Jay hasn't heard is a very long time.

Just then, the door opens and Will, accompanied by a nurse, enters the room. They take Lucy from Erin and begin examining her. The little girl begins to whimper and it is gut-wrenching to watch. Erin's burden of guilt grows heavier, and in a moment of agony unlike she has ever faced, Erin knows what she has to do.

The momentary commotion provides the perfect distraction she needs. Erin feels she's no better than her own mother. Lucy and Jay are better off without her. One last glimpse of Lucy's face is all she wants. Only Jay is hovering over her and Erin can't really see her.

Tears blurs her vision and tighten her throat.

She closes her eyes shuts and tucks away her feelings.

And quietly, she turns away and slips out of the room.

* * *

Thank you for reading. Your questions and also your concerns are always welcome and most importantly, appreciated.


	8. Chapter 8

Hi guys! Happy Friday! Again, your reviews are so kind and so valuable to me as a writer. Thank you for being such lovely beings.

I'm currently outlining the 2nd part of this story. So, if you would like to see something happen that you haven't yet, this is your chance to make suggestions. This story is as much yours as it is mine. And of course, credit will be given to the people whose ideas I use.

I still own nothing!

* * *

Will finishes taking Lucy's vitals then scrawls on her charts. "Her vitals are good and she's not running a fever. But we still want to keep her for a little while longer."

Jay nods, glances around the room, but doesn't see Erin. His mood takes a dive, tempered by heavy dose of dread. "Where's Erin?"

Will looks around and says, "She was just here."

A strange sense of foreboding seeps into his bones. "Did anyone see where she went?"

"She's probably just getting some air," Will says. "She hasn't left the room since you guys got here."

The pain in his chest makes it hard for him to talk. Jay takes a deep breath and steadies his voice. "I need to go find her. Will, can you stay with Lucy?"

"Yeah, sure."

Before Will can say anything else, Jay darts out of the room and into the hallway. For the next twenty minutes he searches every room and every corridor only to come up emptied handed. He wants to keep on looking because if he stops, he might sink into a heap of despair. But his efforts will be to no avail. Deep down he knows Erin is gone. Defeated, he returns to the room.

Will sees his brother's forlorn face and immediately asks, "What happened? Did you find Erin?"

Tears pricks his eyes, and his throat closes around the words he doesn't want to say, "She's, um, she's gone."

"What do you mean she's gone?"

Jay wipes his eyes with the back of one hand and draws a shaky breath. "She blamed her herself for what happened and….I-I knew today was rough, but I didn't think she had it on her to just…leave."

"Jay, you might be overreacting. Maybe Erin just needed some air."

"No," Jay shakes his head. "This is different."

Devastated, Jay pulls out his phone and dials.

"Hank, we have a problem..."

…x…

 _3 days later_

Jay sits at the kitchen table, nursing a cup of coffee when he hears a knock on the door. He ignores it. It is way too early and he is way too tired to be coherent right now. He has not slept in the last three days. It is as if his mornings, afternoons, and nights have fused into a never-ending nightmare. He looks at his little girl and she is slumped over her high chair, passed out. The knocking persists and he begrudgingly gets up and shuffles his feet to the door. He doesn't even look in the peep hole – he knows who it is _not_ on the other side.

He pulls the door open is met with Hank.

"Morning," Hank says.

"Morning," Jay grumbles. He walks back to the kitchen and Hank follows him.

Hank smiles sadly at the sight of Lucy slumped over her high chair and asks, "Rough night?"

"Rough couple of night," Jay says. "This is the longest she's been asleep. I don't want to move her."

Hank looks at Jay's disheveled appearance; unshaved, pale skin, dark circles under his eyes. He looks just tired and downtrodden.

"Here," Hank says placing a paper bag on the table. "I brought breakfast."

"Thanks," Jay says.

They settle on the kitchen table and Jay pours Hank a cup of coffee. After a moment, Hank asks, "How're you doing?"

Jay's tired eyes settle into a frown. "Not good. The only reason I'm still kicking is because of Lucy. Otherwise, I would have coped with this situation a little different," Jay says.

Hank sips his coffee and says, "How's Lucy doing?"

Jay looks at his tired little girl says, "She misses her mom. We haven't had a whole night of sleep since we came back from the hospital."

Hank's smile holds an odd, sad quality when he looks at the little tired heap that is Lucy. "Look Jay, I know you're upset—"

"I'm not upset." Jay interjects. "I'm just angry now. You know, it's one thing to run out on me. I can take it. It's another thing to do it to your kid." Chocking back the lump in his throat he adds, "My kid."

Hank hears Jay's voice crack as he struggles to regain control. "Jay, Erin is not in her right mind. She is scared. This world doesn't make sense to her."

"I know," Jay says. "And you know what? If she were to walk through that door right now I wouldn't even be mad that she left. It would be as if it never happened."

Hank nods and sips his coffee. He knows love lingers like that.

Jay clears his throat and asks, "Do we have any leads?"

"We think she might be crashing with Bunny in Hyde Park. We put a tap on Bunny's phone."

Jay shake his head. "Erin is smart. She's not going to let her guard down. She must know we're looking for her."

Hank nods. "Yes, but she is also vulnerable. When she slips up, we'll find her."

"Then what?" Jay stands up and runs a hand through his hair. "What do we do when we find her?"

Hank watches Jay anxiously pace around the kitchen.

"I can't make her wants us," he gestures between himself and Lucy. "I can't force her to come home."

"Look Jay, Erin thinks she did you a favor by leaving." Hank sips his coffee and adds, "She's hurting right now and I believe she might reach out to you before we find her."

Jay stops pacing and looks skeptically at Hank. "You really think that?"

"Yeah, I do."

Lucy begins to stir on her highchair and Jay shuffles over as she groggily lifts her head up, hovering in a place between sleep and awake. Slowly her lips curl, her eyes scrunch up and a low-pitched wail builds to a cry.

"C'mere, babe," Jay says and pulls her up, brushing off a few cheerios stuck to her cheeks and hands. Lucy whimpers and drops her head onto his shoulder with a dramatic slump. "It's okay, Luce. I got you." Jay rubs a hand down her back, soothing her tears away. Jay knows the world isn't full of happy endings; his job has taught him that long ago. Only he wishes his little girl didn't have to learn this so soon.

"Hey Luce, look who came to see you?" Jay says turning so she could see Hank.

It takes a minute, but Lucy fully opens her eyes and languidly says, "Paaapa"

Hank gets up from the chair and walks over to where Jay is standing. "Hey there kiddo," he says, tousling Lucy's hair. "Papa brought you something." He reaches inside his pocket and pulls out a lollipop.

Lucy's blue eyes grow bigger and her head pops up from Jay's shoulder. "Lollie!" She exclaims.

"That's right."

Hank hands her the lollipop and she clutches it tightly to her chest.

"What do you say?" Jay asks.

"Tank you, Papa."

"Good girl." Jay kisses her cheek and smiles thankfully at Hank,

Hank pats Jay on his back and says, "Thanks for the coffee. I'll see you at the precinct."

"I just have to drop her at Gail's and I should be there no later than nine."

Hank shows himself out and Jay gets busy with readying himself and Lucy for another day without Erin.

Jay drops Lucy off with Gail and the little girl falls apart. She clings to his neck and doesn't want to let go. He has to pry her off of him and force himself to walk out the door. Even while outside he can still hear her screaming and it tears him apart. Gail has watched over Lucy since she was a baby and this sudden bout of separation anxiety really worries him.

Jay finds no solace at work –things are just as chaotic as his personal life. His head is not where it needs to be and he is not surprised when Hank parks him behind a desk for the remainder of the day. Jay sinks into his chair, avoiding everyone's sympathetic looks, and buries himself in the mindless paperwork he'd let pile up.

When the day finally comes to a close, Jay is drained. Another day and no new leads on Erin. He just hopes Hank was right and that she'll come to him. He steps outside and the sun is setting– the sky deep violet, filtering down to orange and pink near the horizon. As he drives he keeps his eyes trained on the array of colors ahead, for a fraction of a second he can almost forget his current predicament.

He pulls into Gail's driveway and as soon as Lucy sees him walk through the door she runs as fast as her little legs can take her and leaps into this awaiting arms.

"Da-deeee!"

Jay's heart grows a little lighter at the sight of her smiling face. He squeezes her tightly and Lucy giggles. "I missed you, kid." Jay puckers his lips and Lucy is quick to give him a kiss. He sees Gail approaching and asks, "How did she do today?"

"The same," Gail says, sadly. "She cried on and off for you and Erin," Gail points it out.

Jay exhales deeply and looks at Lucy.

"When is Erin coming back from her trip?" Gail asks.

"Oh, um," Jay says. "Soon."

Gail runs a soothing hand over Lucy's back. The little girl tightens her grip around dad's neck. "She just misses Erin," she notes.

Jay nods. "Yeah. We both do."

Gail pats Jay's back and says, "See you tomorrow?"

"Yeah."

They wave good-bye and when they are outside Jay asks, "You know, I was thinking we could go get some chicken nuggets for dinner, what do you think?"

Lucy's eyes widen and she says, "Yes, da-dy, nuggs!"

"Chicken nuggets it is," he says, kissing her cheek.

Jay drives away from town, avoiding their usual dinning places. He doesn't think he can deal with the 'where's Erin,' questions. So he finds a small diner, where the scent of French fries hangs in the air like potpourri, near his old neighborhood. Once inside, they are led to a booth and the waitress quickly arrives, jots down their order, then whirls away, bantering with costumers.

Lucy is standing next to Jay bouncing on the booth playing with the crayons. She's a bit rowdy, but Jay doesn't have the strength to fight her tonight. He is less resourceful and resilient today, than ever before. When the food comes, Jay pushes it around his plate. His stomach is in knots and he can barely think about eating. On the other hand, Lucy devours the chicken nuggets quicker than her little mouth can chew.

"One at a time, Luce," Jay says.

She babbles between mouths full and food goes everywhere. Jay tries to minimize the mess, but it's futile. He is trying to dab her mouth and hands clean with a napkin when he hears a voice say, "Detective Jay Halstead."

Jay turns and immediately feels an incredible burning rage ascend his spine as the man slowly comes into view.

"Charlie," Jay says dryly.

"I thought it was you," Charlie says with a sly grin. "And who do we have here?" He says motioning to a bubbly Lucy.

"You can go now," Jay says curtly.

But Charlie continues to gaze at Lucy. Then he gasps and shakes his head as if a light bulb just went off.

"You and Erin got busy," Charlie says. When Jay doesn't say anything, he waves to Lucy. "Hi there."

Lucy looks at the strange man and frowns, automatically moving closer to Jay.

"Eat the chicken nuggets, Luce," Jay tells her calmly. Lucy grabs a piece of chicken, but continues to stare curiously at Charlie.

"She is the spitting image of her mother," Charlie points out. "If she's anything like Erin, you're in trouble."

Jay smiles cynically and says, "You need to go. Now."

"It's a free country, detective." Charlie says. "Anyways, I'm sorry things didn't work out between you two."

"What?"

"I know she's staying with Annie. I saw her when I went to see my kid. But don't worry, you're secret is safe with me," Charlie says cunningly.

"Wait, what?" Jay says with a start. "Where did you see Erin?"

"At Annie's," Charlie says matter-of-factly, but then it dawns on him. With a sly smile he says, "Oh, you didn't know she was staying at Annie's."

Jay keeps a stoic face, despite his heart trying to rip out of his chest from beating so hard. He feels he is teetering over the edge, but then he feels a little hand touching his arm and he slowly regains control of himself.

"I wanna Juce?" Lucy says pointing at her sippy cup.

Jay reaches across the table and hands her the cup.

"Cute, cute kid," Charlie says.

Jay turn his attention back to Charlie, mustering enough composure to mask the surge of emotions rushing through his veins. "Do you need to be escorted out?"

"Hey," Charlie says backing away with his hands raised. "I was just saying hello."

Charlie disappears amidst the bustle in the diner, leaving Jay to gather his thoughts. He rakes a hand through his hair, thinking, thinking, and thinking. Jay's instinct tells him to just go find her, but he fears in doing so, he will only push her away further. These thoughts chase around in his head like an episode of Tom and Gerry. How did everything become so incredibly out of sorts? Finally, his tired muscles betrays him, and he sinks further onto his seat.

Lucy sees her dad slump down and instinctively climbs on his lap.

"Hi, da-dy," she says with a goofy grin.

"Hi Lucy," Jay says. Her mischievous smile – her mom's smile, warms him all the way to the bottom of his heart.

Lucy giggles and blows a raspberry on Jay's cheek. "Gotchu," she says, leaving a trail of drool behind.

Unfazed, Jay circles his arms around her, pulling her close. "You know Luce, if you ask me to pluck the moon from the sky for you tonight, I would," he says.

Lucy smiles and begins to babble, mostly unintelligibly _._ Jay listens – nodding, smiling, and at the same time thinking about what he should do. Should he go see Erin? Or should he let her come to him, like Hank said she would? He knows whatever he decides will affect his little girl directly. Any wrong move on his part and Lucy pays for it.

It doesn't take long for Lucy to drop her head to his shoulders and rub her eye.

"It's that time, huh?"

Jay asks for the check and when it comes he throws a few bills on the counter and steps into the chilly Chicago night. He secures Lucy in her car seat and drives. He doesn't really know where he is going. He just drives. The humdrum of the engine quickly puts Lucy to asleep and the only sound inside the car is her steady breathing. At some point, Jay finds himself in the outskirts of the city, near Annie's place. He takes a few turns and then finally stops across from her house.

The lights are on.

Perhaps he will just sit here for a moment. Knowing Erin is just across the street is good enough for now. He looks at Lucy through the rear-view mirror and sighs. Then, in a moment clouded by longing and exhaustion, he decides to knock on the door. He pulls Lucy out, drapes her over his shoulder, covers her in a blanket, and crosses the street. His stomach growls and his whole body feels like it will crumble in a heap of anxiety.

He walks up the steps and knocks.

* * *

Thanks for reading. Is it January yet? =) Cheers!


	9. Chapter 9

I hope y'all had a good holiday break. And to celebrate today being the 1st of December... Here's the next installment of this story.

I still own diddly squat.

* * *

Jay knocks on Annie's door once, twice, three times, but no one answers. He waits, the cold night breeze ruffling his hair and sending chills up and down his spine. He checks his watch, ten minutes after seven. Without moving, he scans the house, trying to spot any motion, any shadows crossing behind the closed curtains, but nothing. He waits another minute and knocks again. He is about to give up when then the door finally opens.

Annie is standing there looking as if she's been expecting him. She doesn't say anything, but motions for him to come in. Jay slowly steps inside, his breath hitching in his chest. He looks around, but doesn't see Erin.

"She's not here," Annie says, watching Jay survey her apartment. "She comes and goes. I can't tell you if she'll be back tonight."

An intense sadness settles over him, dulling any inkling of hope. "Is she okay?" He asks.

Annie shrugs. "As okay as one can be in her situation."

Jay nods sadly.

"Want some coffee?"

Jay ponders on his options – go home and see all the empty spaces Erin has left behind or stay a few moments longer, hoping that maybe she'll walk through the front door. Jay chooses the latter. "Sure," he says. "I hope I'm not interrupting anything."

"No, no," Annie assures him. She walks up to Jay and runs a hand over the blanket covered bundle he's holding. "Do you want to put her down? The spare room is just up the stairs to your right."

"I'm better off having her nearby in case she wakes up."

"Okay." Annie slowly pulls the blanket that is covering Lucy off and lays it on the couch. "How about here then?"

Jay nods and slowly lowers Lucy to the couch. He grabs a few cushions and places in a way that if she rolls over she won't fall.

"I think she's grown a few inches since the last time I saw her."

Jay looks down at his little girl. "I'm sure she has."

"Before you know it she'll be getting her driving permit and officially declaring her independence from you."

"Travis's driving?" Jay asks.

"Yup," Annie says. "He only has his permit, but he thinks he's all grown now." Annie shakes her head and says, "C'mon, let me get you some coffee."

Jay and Annie sit around her kitchen table nursing their mugs. They share a quiet moment, not saying anything that isn't already known. Annie looks at Jay and he is lost in thought, occasionally looking to the living room –checking on Lucy, but mostly watching the front door.

Finally Annie breaks the silence. "When Erin first showed up here, I wanted to call you." She looks down at her coffee and says, "She's not well, but you know that."

Jay nods. "I hadn't realized how bad it was until Lucy got sick," Jay says, keeping his emotions and frustrations in check. "Did she tell you anything?"

"She told me she doesn't remember the last five years. She thinks she's dreaming or something."

"Did she tell you what her plan is? Is she thinking of leaving?"

Jay looks at Annie for answers, but she shrugs. "I don't really know. She doesn't say much."

Jay lowers his head and says, "I don't know what to do, Annie."

Annie smiles sympathetically.

"Maybe it's a good thing she's not here because I actually don't know what I would've done if I saw her."

"Erin is very confused. She hurting. I can tell. But she's bottling it all up like she used to do."

Jay's heart breaks. "I love her. I want to help her. I just don't know—"

Suddenly they hear the front door open and close. Jay is up in a matter of seconds and once he reaches the living room threshold he sees Erin standing there. God, he missed seeing her face. She looks like what he thinks he looks like right now – worn-out and miserable.

Erin sees Jay and a jolt of panic, as powerful as an electrical shock, rips through her. With a lowered head she goes for the door.

"Please don't," Jay says.

Holding the door knob, she turns back. To an outsider, Erin looks unfeeling. But he know all the subtle nuances of her face, he knows each and every twitch and flicker that ever rippled across it and he can clearly see all kinds of sad, and no doubt she can sees the same in his face.

A rustling coming from the couch catches her attention. To her surprise, Lucy groggily lifts her head up, rubbing her sleepy eyes. Erin looks desperately to Jay, but Lucy pans her head around and her eyes turn to Erin like sunflowers turning to the sun.

"Mama!" She cries and immediately topples over the couch cushions.

Jay swallows dry as he watches his little girl run to her mom, who is standing by the door motionless.

"Mama!" Lucy cries, reaching her little arms out to be picked up.

Erin can't move, can't speak, as pain crashes like a tidal wave through her. Her eyes begin to sting and she blinks a few times to shoo away the tears that are trying to escape. She tilts her head back to stare at the ceiling, pressing a hand to her lips to hold back a sob.

In the meantime, Lucy grabs full fists of Erin's sweater and pulls incessantly as her frustration rises.

"Mama!' She cries repeatedly. "Up, Mama!"

"Pick her up," Jay pleas, choking back a lump in his throat.

Erin closes her eyes and tears roll down her cheeks. This sort of pain is just short of excruciating. She's afraid if she moves she will collapse as anguish, guilt and regret choke her. Love for this little girl is what made her leave. Being so close to her again fills her heart with a painful happiness.

Jay slowly exhales, taking a few steps towards her. "Erin," he says as evenly as he can manage. He studies her pain-filled, tear-streaked face and his anger and frustration slowly fades. "She just wants her mom."

With trembling hands, Erin lifts Lucy up and draws her close. Lucy circles her little arms and legs tightly around Erin, burying her face in the crook of her neck. The sweet, familiar fragrance of Lucy's hair is her undoing. Erin breaks into gut-wrenching sobs.

Jay approaches her slowly. "I'm not here to confront you or to force you to come home," he says. "We just…We really missed you."

Erin exhales and her bloodshot eyes meet his.

"Tell me what you want me to do. If you want us to leave, we will. The last thing I want to do is upset you."

Erin wants to speak, but her lips don't move. She can feel them – and her tongue, lying on the floor of her mouth, stunned—but she can't move her lips. She shakes her head and manages to choke out. "I-I'm not uh-upset." Erin shuts her eyes and more tears spill down her face. "I j-just need t-time."

"Okay." Jay nods. "I can do that," he says taking a few more steps towards her. "But Lucy….." There's a beat of silence before he says, "She doesn't understand that."

Erin looks down at the little girl in her arms. For three days she's been trying to forget Lucy, forget Jay. Forget this life and try to understand what is happening to her. But she feels like a gerbil in a wheel—run, run, run, no traction, no ground, and all an illusion. She's no closer to figuring out what happened to her now than she was three days ago.

"She misses her mom," he adds.

"Jay, I'm not…" Erin lets the sentence go unfinished. But she knows Jay won't let her go until she declares the bitter truth. Weary beyond words, she says, "I'm not her mom, Jay."

Jay closes his eyes and his face screws tight with pain. "Don't say that."

"I'm no better than my own mother." She wants to make him understand, but she struggles to find the right words. "I hurt her, Jay."

"Erin, it was an accident. You didn't know. You didn't mean to."

"My mother never meant to hurt me, but she did. So many times! And I forgave her every time. I believed her each time she said she'd change – but she never did. Listening to her say sorry didn't erase any of the pain. Then one day I just ran out of forgiveness, and I started to hate her." She hugs Lucy a little tighter and says, "I don't want that for Lucy."

With her heart in broken pieces, she looks away. "I can't take care of her any more than my mom could take care of me. Maybe the reasons are different, but that doesn't matter. I thought I could do this. I wanted to believe that I deserved this. But in the E.R, when I heard myself stammering the same excuses – I'm sorry – I didn't mean it – I realized I was just like Bunny." Erin releases a shaky breath and says, "She'll be safe with you."

Jay knows that as a child Erin had suffered what no child ever should. Now she is willing to suffer even more to spare Lucy of what she thinks will be the same fate. Jay doesn't think he can love Erin more than he does now.

"Erin, you are not your mother," he says gently. "Listen, when I told you what happened the day Lucy was born, I left out a very important part."

Erin face turns in confusion. "What?"

"You actually developed preeclampsia and the doctors wanted to deliver Lucy early, but you wanted to wait until she was full term. The doctors said with your blood pressure sky-rocketing you wouldn't make it that long, but you didn't care." Jay looks at her and adds, "Despite knowing that you could die, and you almost did, you still wanted to protect her. You put her life before yours. That's the kind of mom you are, Erin."

Tears freely roll down Erin's eyes.

"Erin, I know everything is overwhelming and a little confusing right now, but you're not Bunny. You will never be like Bunny. I trust you completely." Jay places a hand on his daughter's back and looks at Erin. "Do you want to keep her tonight?"

"What?"

Jay sees a slight inkling of hope ripple across her face. He thinks he found a way in.

"Her things are in the car. She already had dinner. She just needs a quick bath. Or if you want I can drop her off tomorrow in the morning or afternoon…"

Jay rattles on, but Erin shakes her head. "Jay, what if some–"

"No what ifs. You're going to be fine. And by the looks of it, I won't be able to pry her off of you anyways."

Erin ponders, but an immense fear clouds her thoughts. It's inexplicable how much she loves this little girl. It's a different kind of love – so genuine and so deep. Letting go of _them_ feels as if she is trying to go on with half of her heart beating outside her body.

"No strings attached?" She asks.

"Of course not," Jay says. "Erin, you call the shots. Tell me what you want to do and we'll do it."

Erin nods. "Okay, I, um, I think I can keep her tonight."

Jay has a difficult time hiding his smile. He watches her take slow steps inside the apartment, while gently bouncing Lucy in her arms.

Jay smiles. "Let me go get her things."

Jay steps outside and lets the cool air help restore his composure. He grabs Lucy's bag and jogs back to the house. For the next twenty minutes he just stands back and watches Erin – the tender way she wakes Lucy up for her bath and her patience with the little cranky toddler makes Jay think that maybe things will be okay. He manages to keeps his trepidation at bay and cherish this little time he has with her.

Before long he realizes he needs to give Erin the space she needs. "I think I'm gonna go now." Jay utters soberly.

"Okay," Erin says.

Jay picks up a heavy-eyed Lucy and says, "Can daddy get a kiss." Lucy puckers her cherub lips and plants a kiss on Jay's lips. "You be good with mama, okay?"

Jay gives Lucy another kiss and a tight squeeze. He then turns to Erin and says, "If you need anything, call."

"Okay."

"Let me know when you want me to pick her up tomorrow."

Erin nods.

Jay can't help it. He approaches Erin and plants a kiss on her forehead. He keeps his lips on her skin a little longer than usual. "See you tomorrow."

Jay leaves and Erin is shaken to her core. The place where his lips touched feels like it's burning. For a blissful moment, Erin forgets the all her sadness, all her pain.

* * *

Thanks for reading you wonderful, kind readers. Your input is always greatly appreciated.


	10. Chapter 10

Hey everyone. I want to apologize for not answering your reviews. The end of the semester sort of snuck up on me. But I want to let you know that I've read them and I appreciated the hell out of them.

Without further ado... Here's the next installment.

 _Flashbacks are Italicized_

I own nada.

* * *

Erin sits on the bed watching Lucy sleep, her belly rising and falling with each breath. The little girl lays sprawled half on top of her, half on the bed. Erin smiles. Lucy sleeps with the same kind of abandon as Jay. The little girl then stretches in her sleep and sticks one hand in the air. Gently, Erin reaches for it. Five small fingers spread wide apart then curl tight around hers. A sudden flood of emotion takes her breath away. It tightens her chest until she can barely breathe.

Wonder, fear, and deep happiness stirs inside her. Erin holds Lucy's hand tightly in her own and says, "I'm so sorry, Lucy." She lays her cheek against Lucy's head and draws her even closer. "Mama is trying to figure things out."

Erin hears a soft knock on her bedroom door, followed by it slowly creaking open. Annie pokes her head in and says, "How's it going?"

"Good." Erin says. "You're still up?"

"I was waiting for Travis," Annie says as she quietly enters the bedroom. "That boy is set on giving me gray hairs."

Erin smiles. "He's a good kid."

"I know." Annie takes a seat on the bed and for a moment she watches Erin and Lucy cuddle together. "You know, I remember when you told me you were pregnant."

Erin smiles sadly, having no recollection of the moment.

"You came over and told me you were pregnant, like you were telling me you were going for a coffee run." Annie smiles at the memory. "Despite your casualness I could tell that you were a bit scared, but really happy. I only got a proper reaction from you when I asked if Jay was the father."

Erin furrows her brown and asks, "Why? Were there other possibilities?"

"No, No…" Annie shakes her head. "I was only teasing."

"Oh," Erin smiles feebly.

"There was no question Jay was the father. According to you, Lucy was born out of a love that transcended all forms of contraception."

They chuckle.

Their laughter slowly fades and Annie is silent for a moment before she says, "He loves you, Erin. And he is really worried about you."

Erin hears Annie's words and tries not to let them pierce her heart. "I don't want to hurt him."

"Well, you're doing quite the opposite by hiding here."

"I'm not hiding. I'm just….I'm trying to figure things out."

"Let him help you. You have so much to lose if you don't."

Erin looks down at Lucy. "Jay expects me to be someone that I'm not. Annie, look at me. I'm the remnants of someone he loves. It not fair to him. I can't ask him to put his life on hold for me."

"Erin, you and Lucy are his life."

Erin is silent.

Annie squeezes Erin's leg through the blanket. "Erin, you are not dreaming. This is your reality," she says quietly. "Something happened and it's messing with your memories, but I know you love Lucy and Jay." Annie gives her a melancholy smile. "Why are you denying yourself of them?"

Erin is once again struck with silence as Annie's words whirls in her head. She had legitimate reasons for leaving. It had made sense, but now everything is blurry.

"I love you. You know that. But don't take this the wrong way when I say, go home. Go hug Jay and Lucy and never let them go."

Erin looks through glistened eyes and smiles. "You're kicking me out?" She asks.

Annie smiles back. "Yes. But not tonight," Annie clarifies. "Try to sleep and I can drop you off before I go to work tomorrow morning."

"Okay,' Erin agrees.

..x..

Jay slowly opens his eyes. The morning light from the living room window momentarily blinding him. He narrow his eyes and looks around – he fell asleep on the couch. No point on sleeping on a bed that feels too empty anyways. Sluggishly, he pushes himself to a sitting position and hears a knock on the door. He figures that's probably what woke him up in the first place. He pushes himself up and shuffles to the door. He thinks it's Hank checking on him again. But when he pulls the door open, it isn't Hank on the other side.

"Erin," Jay says surprised.

"Hey," she says quietly.

"Da-dy!" Lucy chirps and promptly flings herself into his arms.

"Hey, baby girl," Jay says hoisting Lucy on his hip. He kisses her cheek and glances at Erin. He notices her tired look, which is reasserted by the bags under her eyes. "You didn't let mama sleep last night, huh?" Jay says and tickles Lucy's sides.

Lucy giggles and twists out of his arms. She runs inside and entertains herself with the toys that are scattered around.

"Did she let you sleep?" Jay asks, brushing the remnants of sleep off his face

"She woke up a few times, but I can't blame her for my lack of sleep."

Jay smiles sympathetically and motions for Erin to enter. "I would have picked her up. You didn't have to come all the way here."

Erin takes a few steps inside and says, "Annie dropped me off."

"Oh," Jay says. He watches her and there's something different about her. Something has changed. "Do you want some coffee?" He asks – not ready to let her leave.

"Um, sure," she agrees.

Erin follows Jay into the kitchen and takes a seat on the table. While Jay is busy making coffee, Lucy serves as a distraction with her happy squeals and noisy toys coming and going from the kitchen. She missed this little girl so much and now that she's back here, at _their_ house, she realizes she's been missing much more than that _._

"Here you go," Jay says, placing a hot cup of coffee in front of her. "Black, extra sugar?"

Erin smiles. "Yes, thank you."

Jay sits across from her and they fall into a comfortable silence – the type permissible with a toddler running around.

"Looks like her battery is fully charged," Jay comments, watching Lucy whizz past them in a flurry of giggles.

"She's been up since six and her energy level has not dropped," Erin adds. "Is she always like this?"

"Yeah," Jay says. "She's been a firecracker since birth. As soon as she started to craw this girl was everywhere –under the kitchen table, wiggling her way down the hall, diving into the stacks of wipes, sneaking around behind the couch, and all points in between." Jay shakes his head at the memory.

Erin chuckles. "She changed our lives, uh?"

"That she did," Jay says and sips his coffee. "In the best way possible."

Erin smiles. Silence falls between them once again. It is a comfortable stillness, the quietness of real friends, which only good friends can engender.

"Hey, um," Erin begins hesitantly. She shifts uncomfortably on her seat and says, "I, um, I think I owe you an apology."

Jay's brow furrows, but he remains silent.

"I shouldn't have left like that. It was selfish of me."

"You're here now," Jay says tentatively and sips his coffee.

She nods and after a moment she says, "Yeah, and I plan to be here."

Jay leans forward with a smile tugging at the corners of his lips. His sudden elation is palpable and it seems to diffuse through an unseen channel between them because she feels it too.

"I don't know how to even begin to do this," she says honestly. "I've been trying to figure this out, but had no luck. Annie thinks I should stop trying to do things on my own."

"Erin, I'm here," Jay says, reaching for her across the table. "Whatever you need from me. I'm here."

Just then, Lucy saunters into the kitchen and runs around the table with a blinking toy in her hand. She stops in front of her dad and says, "Look, Da-dy! Litess."

Jay looks down at his little girl and asks, "What are those lights?"

"Po-leeece lites!" Lucy chirps.

"Good girl," Jay says. "Now, where is your star, officer?"

Lucy's brow furrows. "I dunno," she says.

Jay raises an inquisitive eyebrow at her. "I think I saw it in your toy box."

Lucy's eyes widens and she darts out towards the living room.

"She has a star?" Erin asks.

"Of course," Jay says with a smile.

Seconds later Lucy comes running back with a shiny toy star in hand. She goes up to Erin and hands her the star "Hea, mama."

Erin pins the star on her shirt and Lucy beams at her.

"You're ready for duty now," Erin says.

Lucy smiles and throws her arms up to be picked up. Erin lifts her to her lap and the litter girl nestles cozily in mom's arms. Erin looks down at the little girl – her little girl, and thinks about how she could have forgotten her face – the tiny freckles on her nose or the dimples on her cheeks. It doesn't make sense to Erin. Time travel – that makes sense to her. Erin chuckles at the thought.

"What are you laughing about?"

Erin shakes her head and says, "Do you believe in time travel?"

Jay's eyes gets serious. "Erin…"

"No, no, I don't think I, um… Well, maybe?" She adds half-jokingly.

"Well, I can prove you didn't," he says.

"Oh really?"

"Yeah, it's pretty easy, actually." Jay walk around the table and motions towards Erin's shirt. "May I?"

Erin frowns. "Sure?"

Jay slowly hikes up her shirt, exposing the skin on her side. Lucy get curious and stretches her neck to see it too.

Jay glides his hand up and down her side searching for something. His hand feels like fire on her skin. Erin immediately recalls the touch, the feeling—the closeness, and it awakens all her senses. She wonders if Jay can feel the intense thumping of her heart.

"Here," Jay says.

Lucy looks where Jay has his hands, reaching out her little hand so she can touch it too. "Was that?" Lucy asks.

Erin looks down trying to see what Jay is pointing at. "What is it?"

Jay takes her hand and guides to the spot where she can feel the uneven grooves of her skin under her finger tips. She realizes it is a scar.

"C'mere, you curious monkey," Jay says and pulls Lucy from Erin's lap. "Can you see it now?"

Erin looks at the scar, then up at him with a furrowed brow. "Yeah, I can see it now." She analyses the scar, but doesn't remember getting it. "What happened?" She asks.

"You were shot and—"

"I was shot?" Erin interrupts.

"Twice. One bullet lodged in your vest and the second perforated through."

"Oh my god, when?"

"About three years ago," Jay says.

"What happened?"

 _They were just outside a scrap metal warehouse that according to a confidential informant was a front for a drug operation. The team was in position, waiting for Ruzek to get an eye inside with the fiber optic camera. There was nothing outstanding with this bust that granted any additional precautionary measures. It was supposed to be a clean search and seizure._

" _Okay, I got eyes," Ruzek's voice was heard over the radio. "I see five at the north entrance, two by the loading docks."_

" _Artillery?" Voight asked._

" _Hard to tell. Wait..." He said, panning the camera around. "The two at the docks seem to have A14s."_

" _Okay. Everyone look sharp," Voight said._

 _The team made a beeline to the front entrance of the warehouse and with a battering ram they busted down the front door._

" _CHICAGO PD!" They yelled. "SEARCH WARRANT."_

The individuals within the warehouse quickly reacted, pulling out their guns.

" _ON THE GROUND. NOW!" They roared._

 _A group of women barely clothed stood transfixed at the sight of the police officers charging inside. It wasn't until the first shot was fired that they ran and screamed, elbowing each other out of the way._

" _GET DOWN!" Erin yelled at the women that were still scrambling around._

 _Three gunmen fell back against the wall and raised their hands as Atwater and Antonio boxed them in._

 _One of the gunmen scrabbled away from the team towards the back. "Ruzek," Jay said into his radio. "There's one coming for you."_

" _I see him," Ruzek said._

 _More shots were exchanged until the last gunmen was down. The team scattered to secure the area and when the ALL CLEAR was given, Jay radioed in, "George 5021, shot fired by the police and at the police. Offenders in custody."_

 _It was when their guard was down that it happened. Out of nowhere one of the women pulled a gun on Erin. The team immediately reacted._

" _DROP THE GUN," Jay called out._

" _NO!" She yelled. "I WALK!"_

" _DROP THE GUN, NOW!" Jay yelled._

" _DROP YOUR GUNS OR I SHOOT HER!"_

" _Easy," Erin said, dropping her gun to the ground. "You want to walk. That's fine. Just put your gun down," Erin said as even as she could._

 _The woman held her gun pointed to Erin's chest. Her hands trembling._

" _I WANNA WALK," the woman repeated. "DROP YOUR GUNS DOWN."_

" _Guys," Erin called out. "Put your guns down," she ordered, then turned back to the woman. "Let me help you get what you need."_

 _The woman wiped her face with the back of her hand. "I need no help."_

 _Erin took a step closer to the women, the barrel of the gun now inches from her vest._

" _STEP BACK," the woman yelled._

" _Look around. How do you think this will end, huh? If you want to walk out of here give me the gun."_

 _The woman struggled for a fraction of a second before she fired two shots in rapid succession at Erin's chest. Subsequent shots were fired and both, the woman and Erin, were down._ _The gunshot noises stopped so abruptly that the silence was almost deafening by contrast._

" _ERIN!" Jay yelled. He ran up to her and immediately started un-strapping her vest. "ERIN," he said it again patting her face, but she was unresponsive._

" _CALL AN AMBO!" Voight yelled._

 _Jay saw that one of the bullets was caught in her vest, but a closer look at his hands said the other one had ripped right through._

"C'mon, _Erin," He repeated, while trying to find the source of the blood. It was only when he completely removed her vest that he saw the red splotch growing on her left side. He found an entry, but not an exit wound._

" _No exit wound," Jay said._

 _The team gathered, but didn't crowd around as Jay worked on her. Voight kneeled down next to Erin's head, checking her pulse._

" _How far out is the ambo?" Voight asked, his voice cracking._

" _5 minutes," Antonio said._

" _Hold on kid," Voight said._

 _In the meantime Jay kept putting pressure on her left side, trying to keep the blood from draining out. God, how could this have happened?_

" _I can't feel a pulse," Voight said and Antonio immediately knelt next to Jay taking his place._

 _Jay, in turn, moved up to Erin's chest and began compressions._

" _C'mon, Erin," Jay repeated under his breath. "Not like this."_

 _The medics then arrived, ushered by Olinksy, and immediately took over. The team had to literally pull Jay off of Erin so they could work on her. When they finally got a pulse and steady vitals, they hauled her into the ambulance._

 _Jay jumped with her, never letting go of her hand._

" _Don't do this, please…." Jay kept repeating. "Don't you dare, do this."_

"The bullet lodged in your back, but they got it out."

Erin runs her hand once again over the scar. "What about the woman?"

"Died on the way to the hospital," Jay says and adjusts Lucy in his arms. "That was also the day I found out you were pregnant."

"What?"

"Yeah, crazy, huh?"

 _Jay saw his brother and Dr. Rhodes entering the waiting room where half of the 21_ _st_ _precinct were waiting. He immediately stood, with Voight following right behind him._

" _Is she okay?" Jay asked._

" _We removed the bullet and stopped the bleeding. Luckily she suffered very little internal damage. She's going to be okay."_

 _There as a collective sigh of relief. Jay saw Will and Dr. Rhodes exchange looks, and before Jay could ask anything, Will put his arms around his brother and said, "Can I talk to you for a second?"_

" _Um, sure."_

 _Will pulled him away from the crowd of the waiting room and looked straight in his eyes. "Did you know Erin was pregnant?"_

" _What?" Jay asked stunned._

" _Erin is pregnant, Jay."_

 _Jay was speechless. He placed his hands on his knees and bent over, trying to control his breathing._

 _Will patted Jay on the back and said, "You okay?"_

" _H-How's the b-baby?" Jay managed to ask._

" _We did an ultrasound and so far we think the baby is okay."_

 _Jay slowly stoop up and said, "I want to see her."_

" _Yeah, right this way."_

"Turns out, you were only seven weeks along."

Erin was silent, shaking her head in amazement. "We don't have it easy, huh?"

"Through thick and thin," Jay says.

"Through thick and thin," Erin repeats.

* * *

Thanks for reading. I'm more excited for January to come than xmas, am I the only one?


	11. Chapter 11

I can't thank you guys enough (thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you) for the wonderful reviews. You guys are awesome!

Here's the next installment...

I (still) own nothing.

* * *

Erin feels like a weight has been lifted off her shoulders, somewhat. Spending last night with her little girl, then returning to _their_ house this morning felt good – too good, actually, and maybe that is the problem. In her current state of mind she feels undeserving of their love. But Annie was right, she can't hide her feelings for Jay, and she should've known that putting distance between herself and him, and now Lucy, was a futile attempt to appease her guilty conscious. She needs to face this 'head on,' as Jay would say.

No looking back.

No regrets.

While Jay showers, Erin watches Lucy scurry around the living room. At some point Lucy zips past a stack of DVDs near the TV and the pile spills down to the floor. The crashing noise startles the little girl and she recoils to her mom.

"Careful, babe," Erin says, bending over to pick the DVDs. As she does so, one catches her eye. The front cover reads in Jay's scraggly hand writing, 'Lucy's 1st B-day.'

She hears the shower running upstairs and decides to pop the DVD in. Erin sits on the couch and tucks her legs underneath her. She takes a big breath and presses play, expectant to see her missing memories come back to life on the screen. The first image is of her bouncing a younger Lucy in her arms. The little girl is all smiles, scrunching her little, freckled nose just like her dad.

" _Are you taking a picture or are you recording?" Erin asks._

" _I'm recording," Jay's voice rings from behind the camera._

 _Erin takes Lucy's hand and waves it in the air. "Say 'hi daddy,'" Erin coaxes her. But Lucy blows a raspberry and only mumbles, "Da-da-da-da."_

" _I'll take that," Jay says. A smile noticeable in his voice. "So Luce, how old are you?"_

" _Show daddy like this," Erin says, putting one index finger up. "Can you do that?"_

 _Lucy looks intently at Erin's hand, trying to imitate, but she can't quiet hold just one little finger up._

" _I think that's close enough," Jay says._

 _The camera pans around the backyard to a table adorned with balloons, then back to Erin as she follows a wobbly Lucy around the backyard. The image goes out of focus for a few moments, then after an awkward camera exchange the screen shows Jay scooping Lucy up and holding her over his head then bringing her down, eliciting a bursts of belly giggles from the little girl. He does this a few times before giving her a tight squeeze and a loud, smacking kiss on her cheek._

 _Erin laughs from behind the camera. "C'mon, you goofs," she says. "People will be arriving soon."_

 _Jay walks towards the camera with Lucy and stretches his free hand towards it and turns it around so all three of them are on the screen. Jay kisses Erin's cheek and the image freezes._

Erin's eyes remain transfixed on the screen, a small smile tugs at her lips. _They_ look so happy and so…in love. The warm, strong tug on her heartstrings reminds her of everything good they'd shared. The video continues playing, but Erin's mind is now a million miles away. She thinks back to the nights they spent together, the long weekends in bed, and all the times they talked about the 'future.' Now here she is, in the future…that they planned.

"Cah-ke, mama!" Lucy pipes up, bringing Erin back to the present.

Erin looks at her little girl, her eyes comically transfixed on the screen, as her one year old self is either destroying or bathing in her smash cake.

"Do you remember that?" Erin asks Lucy. The little girl doesn't respond, her bright blue eyes glued on the screen. "If it's any consolation, I don't remember it either."

The images go out of focus and then she sees herself and Jay sitting tiredly on the couch. Adam's voice resonates from behind the camera.

" _This was a successful first birthday," Adam declares._

" _Thank you," Erin says. "And thank you for staying and helping us clean up."_

" _Yup," Kim's voice rings, unseen on the screen._

 _The camera pans around their living room and stops on a little, tired heap on the couch. ._

" _And here lies another victim, claimed by having too much cake."_

 _The camera shows Lucy sprawled on the loveseat, wearing a diaper and nothing else, turned on her belly. Her mouth is slightly open in a tiny 'o' and her diapered bottom is up in the air. The camera then pans back to Erin and Jay and it shows him whispering something in her ear, to which she laughs and swats his arms._

" _Hey, hey," Adams reprimands. "Let's keep this PG 13, okay?"_

" _What?" Jay asks innocently, pulling Erin for a kiss._

 _Adam groans in disgust. "C'mon, your daughter will watch this someday," Adam retorts._

 _They break their kiss, but continue to make eyes at each other. Jay then quirks his eyebrow at the camera and says, "How do you think she got here? With a couple of these…"_

 _Jay kisses Erin again and Adams makes gagging noises from behind the camera._

The TV screen goes black and Erin sits there with a sad smile on her face. She looked so happy. Jay looked so happy. Erin is jealous of the woman in the video. She desperately wants to find her, but doesn't know where to start. Her hand travels to the scar on her left side and she's reminded once again that this is her reality. This is her life. Maybe she should go see Will. Maybe he can help her.

"Mama, more!" Lucy asks, pulling Erin from her momentary trance. "More, mama." Lucy points at the TV.

Erin smiles. "It's done, Luce."

Lucy's lips curves down into one of her dramatic pouts. "No, mama! I wanna more!"

"But it's over now, babe," Erin tells her, but Lucy is not having it.

"No, mamaaaa!"

Just then, Jay enters the living room in time for Lucy's meltdown showdown. "Hey," Jay says firmly. The little girl's head turns towards her dad. "What's with all the fuss, huh?"

Lucy quietens.

"She wants to watch TV," Erin explains.

Jay looks at the big pout on Lucy's face. "That won't work on me, little lady. Daddy is immune to that," Jay says. "How about we –"

"Can we go see Will today?" Erin interrupts.

Jay is immediately taken aback. "Wha—wait, you really want to go see him?"

"Yeah," Erin shrugs. "Maybe he can help?"

Jay nods. "Okay." He blinks a few times as if to make sure Erin is actually proposing they go see his brother. "Let me just give him a quick call first."

Erin nods. "Okay."

One step at a time, she thinks.

..x..

The fluorescent lights in the hospital room emits a steady, high-pitched buzz that sounds like a cricket on helium. The constant noise puts Erin's nerves on the edge while she waits for Will to return with the test results. It had been a long morning that turned into an afternoon of scans and test. She felt like a lab animal - pricked and probed by so many needles that, over the course of the day the nurses could barely find a vein that was not near collapse. This waiting, however, has been worse. Much worse. There doesn't seem to be enough air in the room and the notion that something is actually wrong with her balloons inside her with each passing minute.

Jay sits just across from the examination bed. The sight of Erin's pale features claws at his heart. Frowning, he takes a few steps towards her, and Erin lowers her gaze. He lifts her chin with the edge of his hand and studies her eyes.

"You okay?" At the small puzzled shake of her head, Jay says, "These things takes a while." Yearning to comfort her, he takes one of her hands and slips his fingers between hers.

Erin looks at their intertwined hands and says, "I'm just…afraid."

"Afraid of what?" Jay asks. "Whatever the results are, we'll face it together."

"I'm not afraid of what the results will say, per se. It's just…." Erin lets the sentence linger. After watching _their_ home video this morning, something else began troubling her.

Jay waits and when she doesn't elaborate he asks. "Erin, what is it?"

Erin inhales a long breath to help her ease her nervousness. "I'm afraid of what the results will do to you."

Jay frowns. "What do you mean?"

"What if Will comes in here and says whatever is going on with me is irreversible? It will be like you're losing someone." Erin looks down at the floor and adds, "Someone I can't replace."

"Erin," Jay says, cupping her face. "I love you." He sees that she's taken aback by his words, much like the first time he said them. Then it dawns on him, maybe this is the first time she's hearing him say it. So, he repeats it. "I love you."

The words slip out of his lips so easily that it sinks into Erin's consciousness, into her heart, then deeper, into her soul. Hot tears stings the corners of her eyes.

"I don't care if you can't remember." He lowers his lips and tentatively brushes it against hers. "I don't care, Erin," he repeats.

Erin dabs at her eyes. "But you looked really happy."

Jay frowns. "Wha….When?"

"This morning. I, um, watched the DVD from Lucy's first birthday." Erin looks up at Jay with glossy eyes. "You looked really happy… with _her_."

" _Her?"_ Jay questions, but he quickly understands where Erin is getting at. "You mean, you, right?" He asks rhetorically.

Erin doesn't say anything. She knows she looks like the woman on the screen, sounds like her, but she doesn't feel like her.

Jay smiles tenderly. Leave it to Erin to worry about him when her entire world is flipped sideways. "I'm really happy now." He beams at her and she smiles feebly back. "My love for you is unconditional. Is that so hard to accept?"

Erin leans into his touch. His hands warm against her cheek. "Sometimes," she says "Seems too good to be true."

Jay pulls Erin for a hug, and for the first time in longer than he can remember, she molds into his embrace. He kisses the top of her head and whispers into her hair, "You better believe it's true."

The moment ends when the door opens and Will walks in, followed by two other doctors. Suddenly Erin's heart turns to lead, and the blood drains from her face. Jay notices the fear clearly etched on her face, so he takes a seat next to her, circling a reassuring arm around her waist.

"So?" Jay asks expectantly. Erin squeezes his hand and he brings it up to his lips.

"Well." Will says, placing a few X-ray images on the light box on the wall. "I think we may have found the problem."

* * *

Thank you for reading. Wishing everyone a happy holidays!


	12. Chapter 12

HAPPY NEW YEAR! I can't wait for the #OneChicago event! Thanks for the all the feedback I've gotten with this little diddy of mine. You guys are the Jay to my Erin. The Ruzek to my Burgess. =)

I own Nothing. I borrow these character for my own personal entertainment and to help me with CPD withdrawals during long hiatus.

* * *

Jay enters their house and irreverently throws his keys across the entrance side table. Without uttering a single word he retreats to the kitchen. Erin follows, staying just a few steps behind. Even though Jay hadn't said a single word on the drive home from the hospital, Erin knew his blood was boiling. He kept watching her from the corner of his eyes, probably wanting her to break the deafening silence, but she hadn't.

With careful steps, Erin walks into the kitchen and sees Jay leaning with both hands against the counter. His head is low and his whole body is tense. His eyes are tightly shut and his lips compressed so forcefully they are white just like his knuckles.

Jay hears Erin moving and slowly turns to her.

"I'm sorry," Erin whispers.

Jay doesn't want to have this conversation right now, but there is something in the tone in her voice that breaks through. "Erin," his voice is soft yet full of pain. He takes a deep breath as though he is trying to keep himself from saying what's really on his mind. "Don't say you're sorry…"

Erin sighs and without thinking she lets her body slump down on a chair – the day's events taking a toll on her. "Jay, can we at least talk about it?"

He takes a deep breath and says, "What's the point? You already decided what you're going to do."

His words have a sharp edge to them and Erin feels them cut right through her. "Jay…"

Jay shakes his head and releases a bitter chuckle. "No matter what I say, you'll not change your mind."

Erin looks into his eyes and asks, "What would you do if you were in my shoes?"

"I would listen to the doctors." He pushes himself off the counter and walks up to her. "I would make any decisions with you."

"What decision is there to make? I feel fine. We can wait."

Jay runs a hand over his face, then pulls a chair so he is facing her. "But that's just the thing. You feel fine now, but that can change very quickly." He brushes his hand over her cheek. "And then, I will lose _both_ of you."

His voice breaks and Erin leans into his palm. Her hands instantly travel to her stomach. "Wouldn't you jump in front of a bus to save Lucy?"

Jay nods, knowing exactly where Erin's getting at. "But this is not—"

"This _is_ the same thing. If I have the procedure done we might lose the baby."

"If you don't have the procedure done I will lose you. Lucy will lose you." Jay retorts. "Will said the clot is not going to get better. It can only get worse."

Erin lets her head hang low. A blood clot, the size of her thumb nail, is putting pressure on her prefrontal cortex, causing her retrograde amnesia. Jay thinks it happened when Erin slipped on some ice while chasing a perp a few weeks back. Although she was treated for a concussion, the small clot went unnoticed, until now.

"I'm 10 weeks in. Let's wait until I'm at least past my first trimester."

Jay shakes his head. "It might be too late."

Erin stands up and begins pacing round the kitchen. "What if we lose the baby?"

Jay remains seated, following her with his eyes. They didn't even know about this baby until today and now they had to talk about the possibility of losing it. But one thing Jay is certain, losing Erin would be a million times worse.

"What if I lose you?" Jay asks.

Erin briefly look at him and continues to pace.

"Think about it, Erin." Jay grabs her arm and pulls her to a stop in front of him. "I know you already love this baby and so do I. But…" Jay sighs and from his seated position he rests his head on her stomach for a moment. "If I have to choose…" He lifts his head and says, "I chose you."

Erin looks down at Jay and instinctively runs a comforting hand through his hair.

Jay pulls Erin down so she's sitting on his lap. "I need you here," he says, taking her hand and kissing it. "Lucy needs you here." He keeps her hand against his lips and says, "Let's do the procedure and whatever happens we will face it together."

Erin sighs, crushed. She knows Jay is right. The blood clot will only get worse if it's not drained right away and the repercussions of waiting until the baby is born are severe. But how can she think of her own wellbeing when there is this small, fragile heart she's supposed to protect? Despite her own feelings, she knows what she needs to do here.

She looks into Jay's ocean blue eyes and nods, almost imperceptibly. "Okay. I'll do it."

Jay releases a breath he didn't know he was holding and nods back.

They schedule the procedure for the following day and Erin is awakened by Lucy hovering over her. She opens her eyes and sees Lucy's cheeky smile beaming at her.

"Mornin' mama!" Lucy chirps.

Erin pulls her down and squeezes her really tight. Lucy giggles and wiggles away from her, with a full intent on jumping on the bed. She begins bouncing up and down, while laughing and kicking the air between jumps.

Erin looks to the doorway and sees Jay standing there –face crumpled, hair sticking up in every direction. By the look on his face Erin can tell he hasn't sleep at all. His eyes are hollow with a tinge of red, but he smiles and says, "Morning."

"Morning," Erin replies groggily.

Jay climbs on the bed next to her and sits on top of the cover with his back against the headboard. Part of him doesn't want today to happen. Jay wants more than anything to just curl up on the bed with Erin and forget everything.

"How are you feeling?" He asks.

Erin shrugs. "I don't know. I feel like today can go either really good or really bad."

"Hey," Jay says, circling his arms around her shoulders. "Everything will be okay."

Erin exhales, trying to deflect the dread that is slowly tip toeing into her thoughts. She looks at Jay, but he doesn't seem worried, just hopeful.

"I really want everything to be okay." Her hand travels down to her stomach and her eyes gaze at the jumping toddler in front of her. "But I can't shake this awful feeling that—"

"Stop. Everything will be fine." Jay squeezes Erin's shoulders lightly and plants a kiss on her hair. "C'mon, if we don't get up now we'll be late."

Jay scoops Lucy off the bed and tickles her all over, especially on the back of her neck and on her side. Lucy starts twisting in his arms trying to escape, giggling hysterically.

"No more monkeys jumping on the bed," Jay sing-songs the familiar tune.

" 'Elp, mama!" Lucy calls for help in between chuckles.

Erin smiles. Lucy's freckles glisten through her rosy red cheeks and her pearly white baby teeth glow as her smile stretches across her little face. She thinks about the baby inside her and how today could put an abrupt end to the little life taking root in her. Needing Lucy's cuddle, Erin pulls the giggly little girl to her and Lucy entwines her little body in her arms.

"Mama's got you," Erin says.

But Jay walks up to them and blows a raspberry on Lucy's neck. "You can't escape the tickle monster!" Jay says theatrically.

Lucy's giggles echo around the room, louder than they should. Erin can't help but let her mind relish in the moment until every fear dissipates and Lucy's high-pitched laughter is all she can hear.

It is nearly winter now and outside the trees are mostly bare and a sheet of ice is covering the entire city of Chicago, making everything seem delicate and breakable. They drop Lucy off at Gail's and drive silently to the hospital. When they arrive they go past the reception and to the surgical wing. The corridors are unusually emptied, save for a few nurses ambling about. Erin looks at Jay and she can almost see his optimism from earlier draining through his boots – worry setting in.

Will meets them at the entrance.

"Hey," Will says. "Everything is ready for you."

Erin smiles halfheartedly and nods.

Jay pulls her for a hug and says, "I will see you soon."

Erin nods and bites her quivering bottom lip. Impulsively Jay cups her face and pulls her for a long, lingering kiss. He doesn't care who is watching. He hugs her tightly, just holding, holding, and holding, refusing to let go until he feels a hand on his shoulder.

"We'll take good care of her," Will says. "I promise."

"I love you," Jay says and kisses her again.

Reluctantly Erin and Jay part as she is ushered by a nurse down the long, white-tiled corridor. Jay feels a sense of relief that Erin is finally on her way to getting better, along with worry about the outcome. He retreats to the waiting room and stares into the empty space around him. The sparseness of it all makes this whole situation even more nerve-wracking. He tried to be optimistic this morning, but that was before he saw Erin being taken away.

He wishes he had brought Lucy along. She would have helped keep his mind distracted. He anxiously waits, pacing back and forth, until his legs give out from underneath him and he plops onto an uncomfortable waiting room couch.

...x…

Jay jumps as a hand touches his shoulder. He looks up and sees Will, and slowly realizes he must have fallen asleep on the narrow couch in the hospital waiting room. Jay rubs the sleep off his eyes and looks up at Will.

"H-How is she?" Jay anxiously asks, swinging his legs off the couch. "Is s-she okay?"

Will takes a seat next to jay and says. "There were some complications, but we were able to drain the clot. Erin's stable right now."

"The baby?" Jay asks with a breath caught in his chest.

"We are monitoring the baby closely, but its heart rate keeps dropping. We are trying to stabilize it."

Jay runs a hand through his face. "What does it mean?" His voice heightens as he begins to panic about the unenviable news.

"It means that we are doing everything we can to—"

"Tell me," Jay interrupts. "What are the chances for the baby to make it?"

Will looks at his distraught brother. As much as he wants to tell him everything would be okay, he can't. Jay needs to be prepared in case things take a turn for the worse.

"It's not looking good." Will tells him truthfully.

Jay nods. "Can I go see her?"

"Yeah," Will says and pats his brother on the back. "She's not awake yet. It will probably take another hour or so before she does."

"I want to see her," Jay repeats.

Will nods.

They walk down the hallway and Will shows Jay to Erin's ICU room. Before Jay walks in he asks, "Do you think she'll, um, remember things?"

"Theoretically the pressure to her cortex has been relived, so her memories should return. It could happen right away or it could take days, weeks."

Jay nods. "Thanks for…everything."

"Don't mention it." Will pats his brother on the back and says, "I will be back to check on her later."

Will leaves and Jay quietly enters Erin's hospital room. His heart aches when he sees her lying on the bed sleeping, with tubes in her arms and nose. She looks helpless and he can't believe how frail she looks. Her skin is yellow and sallow. He grabs her hand and caresses her hair and face while tears brim the back of his eyes. Jay finds himself crippled by this heart-wrenching loss he already feels of the little life that is fleeting away.

Jay loses track of time while sitting by Erin's bedside. He doesn't know how long he is been sitting there when he finally feels her hand move underneath his. He jolts up and watches as Erin languidly open her eye lids. Even though it's midafternoon, Jay feels as though the sun has just risen for the first time today.

"Hey," Jay says, meeting her gaze. He searches for any signs that his Erin – the one he kissed, the one he slept against, the one that saved his life – has returned to him.

Instead, a pair of cold, lifeless hazel eyes stare back at him.

* * *

Thanks for reading! Now let me go finish writing the next chapter so you guys don't have to wait that long... Cheers!


	13. Chapter 13

Happy CPD Wednesday! I'm super pumped for tonight's episode (you might now what I'm talking about if you've seen the pictures). Again, your support for this little fic of mine is humbling and very, very kind.

Here's the next part...

I own nothing. But I would love to know how one goes about "owning" a Jay. I want one of those.

* * *

" _Hey," Jay says, meeting her gaze. He searches for any signs that his Erin – the one he kissed, the one he slept against, the one that saved his life – has returned to him._

 _Instead, a pair of cold, lifeless hazel eyes stare back at him._

"Erin?" Jay asks.

Erin blinks sluggishly a few times, narrowing her eyes against the bright hospital fluorescent lights. She hears beeps and alarms sounding, but tries to focus on the face and the voice calling her name.

"Erin, can you hear me?" Jay insists.

Although a bit disoriented, Erin still recognizes his voice. She moves her lips and mumbles, "Mmmh…hh-y, bah-bh."

Did she say _babe_?

"Hey you," Jay says grinning.

Jay can't help but smile as his heart flips inside his chest. He feels an excitement growing in him, but he banks it. For one thing, he can't be sure she even said the word _babe_. For another, Will said it might take time for her to remember, that is, if she remembers anything at all. So for now he drowns his excitement. No use in getting his hopes up only to be disappointed.

Jay clears his throat and asks, "Do you remember where you are?"

With some difficulty, Erin pans her eyes around the room. "H-Hosp-tl?"

"Yeah," Jay nods. "They had to drain a blood clot in your head. Do you remember that?"

Erin frowns as her hand clumsily reaches up to touch her head, feeling the rough texture of a bandage there. I th-nk…I…It's all…ff-zzy," she says, wincing.

"Are you in pain?"

"A l-ttle," she says.

Jay takes her hand in his and kisses it. "I'm going to call Will. I'll be right back, okay?"

Jay starts to leave, but Erin's grips his hand.

"L-Lucy?" Erin asks.

It is such a simple question, but his heart spills over with happiness. Again, he tries to keep himself in check, but fails miserably. Hope quickly balloons inside of him.

"She's with Gail."

"P-Pick her up nd t-ke her h-me, mkay?"

"What?" Jay asked.

"Lucy, b-abe. Take her h-ome. Don't s-stay here. Imma mkay."

Jay smiles really big. He feels like he is going to burst from so much joy. He has a gut feeling that _his_ Erin is back. Despite all that happened, all the agony and fear, Jay sees a light at the end of this dark, dark tunnel. For the first time in what seems like ages, he laughs out loud, letting his head hang back. He's pretty sure he looks insane doing it. And just like he knows he will, he gets a questioning look from Erin.

"Whaas f-nny?" Erin asks.

Jay takes her hand and brings it up to his lips once more. "Nothing. I'm just really happy."

Erin eyes him curiously, shifting uncomfortably on the bed. "List-n b-abe, take Lucy home. I don want her to th-nk we've abandon-d her, okay?"

Jay beams her an easy smile and nods. "I'll take her home. But first, I'm going to get Will so he can check on you. Well…" Jay looks at the fetal heart monitor and adds, "On _both_ of you."

"Both?" Erin asks.

Jay frowns. "You and the baby. Do you remember that you're pregnant?"

Blurry images surface and then sink in Erin's mind. She blinks a couple of times, confusion swirling around in her head. Then it hits her. Her pulse spikes, and she tries to sit up. She enters a panic-induced haze as memories begin to pound her like a tidal wave.

"Oh my God, the baby!"

Jay gently pushes her back down on the bed, encouraging her to stay put. "Easy," he says soothingly.

Erin lays back down and rolls her head slightly to look at him. "I-Is the baby okay?"

Jay looks down with tender, sympathetic eyes, which display nothing but warmth. He doesn't want to lie to her, but he doesn't know how to tell her the truth either. His fingers caringly stroke the side of her cheek, and as she looks at him in her disoriented state, she notice his crestfallen expression.

"Jay?" Erin asks with a little more urgency in her tone. "Is the baby okay?"

"Things are touch-and-go," he softly replies.

Erin swallows hard against the sick feeling brewing in her stomach. "So, not good?"

His lips form a thin line as he shakes his head. "No."

Tears brim her eyes as her hands travel to cover her stomach.

Jay kisses the top of her head and whispers forlornly, "I'm going to get Will so he can look at you and the baby, okay?"

Erin nods. She feels hollow inside as his words bounce around the now empty chambers of her heart.

Jay steps outside and moments later he returns with Will and a nurse in tow.

"Hi Erin," Will says. "How are you feeling?"

"Like I've been run'ver by a truck," she says.

Will checks the monitors before checking her vitals.

"H-How's the baby, Will?" Erin tentatively asks.

Will looks over the baby's heart monitor and scrutinizes the past readings. "The good news is the heart rate is finally stable…"

"But…" Jay says, swallowing a lump on his throat.

"It's still lower than we want it to be," Will says.

"What happens if it keeps low?" Jay asks.

"A low heart rate means the blood is not being pumped efficiently. This can hinder the baby's growth." As if reading Jay and Erin's thoughts, he adds, "We will continue to monitor and we will do everything we can to make sure everyone's healthy."

Jay lets out a deep sigh. He rests his forehead against Erin's in hopes of comforting her. "It's going to be okay," he whispers.

Will and Jay exchange looks and Will nods almost imperceptibly in his direction. Jay kisses Erin's forehead and goes to stand near the foot of the bed.

"Erin," Will begins. "I'm just going to ask you some basic questions. Answer them as best as you can, okay?"

"Okay," Erin agrees.

"What's the last thing you remember?"

"I, um, I don't know…It's all blurry."

"Do you remember coming to the hospital this morning?"

"Yeah, I think… It's almost like I dreamed it. I can't tell if it's real or not." Erin pauses before she says, "I remember Lucy hovering over me, then jumping on the bed." She smiles and says, "But I guess that's every morning."

Will nods. "Jay said you asked about Lucy earlier?"

"Yeah," Erin nods.

"Do you know where Lucy is right now?"

"At Gail's, right?" Erin asks looking at Jay.

Jay nods.

"But not for very long because Jay is picking her up and taking her home," Erin adds looking at Jay.

Jay smiles. "Yes, ma'am."

Will chuckles – the Erin he knows slowly poking through the haze.

"What is Lucy's favorite food?"

"Umm," Erin thinks. "Lucy is a good eater, but she loves her chicken nuggets."

Jay can't barely contain himself. His smile stretches from ear to ear.

"Do you remember how big Lucy was when she was born?"

Erin wracks her brain. "Oh, she was small… I think just under 5 pounds, 18 inches?" She looks at Jay for confirmation and he nods.

Will thinks he sees a shining film covering Jay's eyes.

"Why are you asking all these questions about Lucy?" Erin questioned.

"Just a cognitive check. Kids are usually an easy subject and people like talking about their children."

"Oh," Erin says.

"Okay, last question and I will let you rest. "When was the last time Lucy was in a hospital?"

Jay stares daggers at his brother, but Will remains calm. He knows he has to push Erin to remember. She seems to be floating in this hazy sort of state and he wants to pull her down to the ground.

"Uhm, I don't… maybe…." Erin stammers. She looks at Jay for help, but his facial expression is stoic. Then, as if an electric shock ripped right through her, she says, "She, um, she had an allergic reaction, right? Oh, god! Did that really happen?" Erin sits up, looking at Jay for answers.

Jay nods almost imperceptibly.

"It was… Oh god! It was my fault!"

Erin is nearly panicking now. But Jay walks right up to her and says, "Hey, Lucy is fine. It was an accident." Jay looks over his shoulders to his brother. "Why?"

"Erin, what do you remember about that day?" Will pushes on.

"Will!" Jay says irritably. "Don't."

In the meantime, Erin is mumbling to herself. "Why did I let her near the can of peanut?"

"Erin," Will insists. "What happened that day?"

Erin attention snaps back to Will and she says, "I remember she, um, threw up all over Jay…" Erin say near tears as the memories flood back and drown her in guilt. "She had red bumps all over her." Erin pauses for a moment then cries, "Oh god…"

"What?" Will questions.

"I, um, I left. I ran way." She almost chokes at the reality. She shakes her head as if to shoo the memories away. She looks up at Jay and says, "Babe, I'm sorry. I didn't… I thought—"

"Hey," Jay says grasping Erin's shoulders. "It's alright. Everything is fine. We're fine."

Erin tries to focus on breathing but she's trembling, her heart is racing, and she feels like she's going to pass out.

"It's like I dreamt everything – like I wasn't here."

Will nods. "Erin, the clot that we drained from your head was pushing against the wall on you cortex, where memories are stored. You were suffering from what we call retrograde amnesia. That's why your most recent memories seems fuzzy and dreamlike."

"I want to see Lucy," Erin pleas. "Can you bring her here?"

"It's better not—" Will begins.

"C'mon, Will," Jay says.

Will releases a breath. "I'll talk to the nurses," he says.

"Thank you," Erin says.

Will smiles sympathetically, he can tell Erin needs time to process everything. He has pushed her enough for one day. "I will let you rest now, but I will be back to check on you later."

Will leaves and Jay pulls Erin into his arms. Finally. She's back and he missed her. Like, really missed her. He couldn't think of anything to say more meaningful or more reassuring than his embrace would convey. Having her fully reciprocate his gesture, tugging at his sweater, pulling him even closer, made the tears that were brimming his eyes, roll down his cheeks.

"I'm sorry," Erin repeated into his sweater.

"It's okay… it's okay," he says into her hair. "Everything is okay now. We're all going to be okay."

They hold on to each other as if life depended on it. Jay's embrace is strong and tight. Erin is surprised by how much she misses him.

They stay like this for some time saying nothing; they don't have to. Eventually Jay pulls away slightly and looks into her eyes.

"I missed you." He leans forwards and kisses her.

The moment their lips meet, everything is forgotten. His kiss feels heavenly. Erin can feel the excitement lifting in her body and her head is high and spinning, her headache gone and all worries forgotten. When they finally pull part, Erin body shakes as a ragged sigh escapes her throat. She looks up at his red, hollow eyes and says, "I'm sorry."

"Stop. None of what happen was not your fault."

"Still," Erin says, shaking her head as she pulled back from Jay, tears pooling in her eyes. "It must've been a nightmare." Erin runs a hand over his cheek and says, "In case I haven't said it lately, I love you."

Jay looks at her, a smile slowly growing on his face. He takes her left hand from his cheek, kisses her palm, and says, "I love you too."

She smiles and wipes her tears away. "Now go get my girl because I need to squeeze her."

Jay chuckles. "Okay." He brushes her hair back from her face and kisses her again. Intimately. Savoring.

"I will be right back," he says.

Jay leaves and Erin is left alone with her thoughts. Slowly things begin coming back to her – not only recent memories, but the emotions attached to them. Regret. Guilt. Confusion. Shame. She feels her heart being trampled – the pain of it all astonishing her. Bizarre, strange memories drifts into her mind as if out of an eerie mist. She wipes the tears from her face and takes deep, long breaths in.

…x…

Jay picks up Lucy and drives hurriedly back to the hospital. Despite his qualms, he feels genuinely happy. The excitement is finally settling into his stomach and creeping out all the way to his fingers and toes. He feels antsy, tingling all over out of sheer delight to have his girl back. He looks in the rearview mirror and watches his other girl bouncing in her car seat. Gail said she had a good day today.

At the hospital, before entering Erin's ICU room, Jay bends down to Lucy's level and looks straight into her eyes. Blue on blue. "We're going to see mama, okay?"

Lucy nods, "Uh-hum," and tries to push past Jay

"Wait." Jay grabs Lucy mid stride. "Listen babe, mama is not feeling very well. So, we have to be _very_ careful with her, okay?"

Lucy nods.

"Okay, then," Jay says and takes her little hand in his. He knocks on the door as he pushes it open. Lucy pokes her curious little head inside.

Erin notices the door opening and stretches her neck to see her visitors, only to be elated when Jay and her favorite girl walk in.

"There's my girl!" Erin says.

Lucy runs towards the bed. "Mama!"

Lucy tries to climb up the bed, but it's a little too high. Erin reaches to pull her up, but Jay stops her.

"Hold on, hold on… I got her," Jay says, lifting Lucy effortlessly on the bed.

Lucy crawls towards Erin and she pulls the little girl to hug in one swift motion. Erin kisses Lucy's cheeks and blows a raspberry on her neck. Lucy giggles, showing all her baby teeth.

Jay stands back and watches them. It's a beautiful sight to see. Erin has this lightheartedness about her, an ease that can't be matched. Lucy is very strong willed and she can sometimes be a handful, but Erin rarely loses her cool her Lucy. Erin's love for Lucy is unwavering pure.

Nurses and doctors come in and out, but the status of the baby remains unchanged. At this point, stably low has become the new norm. They up the meds to increase the baby's heartrate, but so far there have been no changes. In the meantime, Jay orders food from the hospital cafeteria and together they have a family dinner. It's not long before Lucy's battery is drained and she falls asleep, cuddled up to Erin.

"You should take her home," Erin says, but tightens her hold on Lucy.

Jay, who is sitting next to Erin, crammed on the small bed with his legs stretched in front of him, says, "I think we might just hang out here."

"No," Erin shakes her head. "She won't sleep right. She'll be cranky all day tomorrow." She looks at Jay and says, "You too. I can only deal with one cranky Halstead at a time."

Jay chuckles and circles his arm around her, pulling her close. "Five more minutes?" he asks.

Erin smiles, eyes crinkling at the corners. "Okay."

Nurses and doctors come and check on Erin once more before Jay leaves. They say her condition is stable and the baby is okay. For Erin, the worse part of everything being okay is that okay is far from good. Okay is that gray space it the middle. Being okay is what the medical staff have settled on, Erin included, and she will go on pretending okay is good.

* * *

Thank for reading. Your input is always appreciated. 3 Cheers!


	14. Chapter 14

Sad there will be no new CPD this week. =( But we are one week closer to 3x17. I. CAN'T. WAIT.

I own nada.

* * *

Erin sits on the edge of the hospital bed waiting for Jay to return with her release paperwork. She's been at the hospital for three pitiful days and she couldn't be happier that they are finally releasing her. It took a couple of days, but the baby's heart finally responded to the medication cocktail and it has remained stable. Despite this bit of good news, Erin is still under strict bed rest for the next few days.

In other news, Lucy has been feeling a bit under the weather and is uncharacteristically quiet today. When Jay came in this morning Lucy had a big pout on her lips and her cheeks were flushed. She felt slightly warm, but not alarmingly so. Erin sighs and looks down at her little bundle curled on the bed next to her looking achingly frail. Erin reaches down, sweeping a lock of hair off Lucy's forehead, and says, "We're going home soon, okay?"

The door opens and Jay walks in, waving a few papers in his hand "Alright, we are all set to go."

A nurse walks in behind him pushing a wheelchair.

Jay sees his little girl slumped over the bed and his entire demeanor softens. Lucy looks very tired, too tired to even smile when she notices her dad has entered the room.

"She hasn't moved, huh?" Jay asks.

"No." Erin shakes her head. "I'm starting to worry."

"Will said some baby Tylenol should to the trick."

Erin looks up, her heart breaking for her little girl. "Let's hope so."

Jay carefully helps Erin sit on the wheelchair. He then hoist her hospital bag over his shoulder and carefully lifts a drowsy Lucy off the bed. The little girl fusses, but settles her head on dad's shoulder.

Jay kisses the top of Lucy's fuzzy head and says, "Ready to go home, Luce?"

The little girl mumbles a pitiful whimper and burrows her face on dad's shoulder.

"I'll take that as a yes."

The drive home is uneventful and it isn't long before Jay is pulling up on their driveway. The sun is setting in the west and the whole sky looks golden, while violet and rose-colored clouds smear the horizon. Jay helps Erin out before unbuckling Lucy from her car seat. But as he puts her down and goes to grab the bags from the trunk, Lucy begins to cry.

"What's the matter, babe?" Erin asks.

Erin's question goes unheard as Lucy continues to cry, crumbling slowly to the ground.

"C'mon, Luce. Let's go inside," Erin beckons. But Lucy doesn't budge. Erin looks to Jay, but his hands are full with their hospital bags. "Luce, wanna hold mama's hand?"

When Lucy doesn't move, Jay looks at Erin and says, "Go on inside, I got her."

Jay readjusts the bags in his arms and bends down to scoop Lucy up. The little girl blinks at him with big, watery eyes above tearstained cheeks. "C'mon," he says. "Let's go inside."

Jay drops the bags on the floor by the entrance and kicks off his shoes. He finds Erin seated on the couch and lowers the cranky toddler to her arms.

"I'm going to get the Tylenol," Jay says and disappears down the hallway. He comes back moments later with the pink medicine already in the mouth syringe. "This should be fun," he says.

Erin sits Lucy up and she immediately grumbles. She gently pinches her cheeks and Jay places the syringe in her mouth and as expected, Lucy completely loses it.

"Hey, Lucy, it's okay," Erin says as the little girl sputters and coughs the medicine out. "It's just medicine to make you feel better."

Lucy thrashes her arms and legs irritably, but Erin holds her still until all the medicine is gone.

"All done, Luce. All done," Erin says, pulling her tight against her.

Jay gently brushes his lips against Lucy's head and softly caresses Erin's arm. "We should get you to bed," Jay suggests.

Erin nods. "Yeah, let's do that."

"C'mon, pretty girl," Jay says pulling a still whimpering Lucy from Erin's arms. "Let's go jump on the bed." Lucy's head comically turns to Jay, her big blue, tear-socked eyes stare unblinkingly at him.

"Ju-mp?" Lucy says in a soft, sweet voice and slumps down on his arms.

Jay chuckles. "C'mon," He says helping Erin up. "Bed rest for both of you."

...x…

Later that night, Erin wakes up and she's a bit disoriented. The room is dark, save for the dim street lights peering through the blinds. Jay is torqued into his usual sleeping position while Lucy is sandwiched between them. She touches Lucy's forehead and her little girl doesn't feel warm. She turns to the side and immediately feels a slight twinge somewhere deep inside her, but she brushes it off and drifts back to sleep.

It's not until an hour later that she wakes up with a noticeably stronger sting. This time, too intense to ignore. It's as if someone is pulling her internal strings, slowly tearing her skin apart. She tries to prop herself up, but her efforts are futile.

She reaches an arms over to Jay and tries to slowly shake him out of his sleep. "Jay." She grumbles, but doesn't wake. "Jay," she tries again.

Jay groans in the back of his throat and turns to her. "Ye-eah?" His voice is thick with sleep.

"Somethings wrong," she says, wincing as the pain aggravates.

Jay slowly sits up and mumbles, "W-Whatsgoingon?"

"I feel this pain on my side and down my back." Erin lets her head slump down on the pillow. "Oww," she whimpers.

Careful not to wake Lucy, Jay peels the sheets from himself and is overcome by the smell of iron in the air. He can almost taste it. "What the—"

He turns the bedside light on and his eyes catch a glimpse of red on Erin's pajama pants. Warily he walks around the bed to her side and pulls the covers all the way down. Jay nudges her legs aside, revealing large blood splotches underneath her.

"Oh God, Erin…"

Erin pushes herself up on the bed. "What? What's going on?" She asks, but her nose catches the whiff of iron in the air. She reaches between her legs and sees the crimson color blotting her fingers. "Oh God!" She exclaims.

"C'mon." He helps her up. "We have to go."

At the moment Lucy shifts in her sleep towards Erin, but Jay is quick to haul her to other side of the bed. The jostling wakes her up.

"Da-dee?" Lucy asks sleepily.

"It's okay, Lucy," Jay says gently. "Go back to sleep. It's still night time."

But Lucy sits up and begins crawling towards Erin. "Mama?" Lucy says.

"No Lucy," Jay says, "Stay there, okay?"

"I wanna mama," Lucy insists groggily.

"Mama's here, baby. Stay there, okay?" Erin says, trying to hide the panic in her voice.

But Lucy persists and crawls over to Erin. Jay is quick to pick her up and lower her to the floor. "Luce, listen to daddy, stay here." His voice firm, but tender.

Jay turns to help Erin stand up, but she winces in pain. "Can you walk?"

"I don't know," she says.

"Okay," Jay says and turns to his little girl, standing behind him with eyes as big a saucers. He scoops Erin up and says, "Lucy, follow daddy, okay?"

Jay begins walking out of the room, listening to the pitter-patter of Lucy's feet right behind him. When they reach the top of the stairs Jay turns to Lucy and says, "Hold on to the rails, okay?"

"Mmmkay, Da-dee."

Jay carefully maneuvers down the stairs, keeping an eye on Lucy and then gently lowers Erin to a chair in the foyer.

"I'm going to get Lucy buckled in and I'm coming right back," he says and places a kiss on her forehead.

Erin watches Jay scoop their scared little girl up and disappear out the front door. It is at the moment that tears roll down Erin's cheeks. She already knows what is happening. She can tell that Jay knows it too. That awful feeling in the pit of her stomach now becoming a reality, except she feels like is she drifting and this is nothing but a dream. _It has to be._

When Jay comes back, Erin is facing the wall, staring blankly. "Okay, let's go," he says.

Erin nods, but Jay sees all kinds of sad ripple across her face. He doesn't want to delve into it right now because if he does he might crumble and Erin needs him. He scoops her up and in no time there are on their way to the hospital.

Jay pulls out his phone and calls Will, but his brother doesn't pick up. He tries a few more times to reach him, but nothing. Erin can see that Jay is trying to mask whatever ill feeling is swirling in his head. His face is stoic it seems that all the blood has drained from his face.

Erin puts a hand on his leg and says, "Don't drive so fast."

"Wha-Why?" He asks, looking questioningly at her.

"It's no use now," she says defeated.

"Erin,' Jay says carefully. "We don't know anything yet."

Erin shakes her head. "Jay, we know."

Jay is silent because all the words have vaporized in his mouth. There is nothing he can say that will make this better because deep inside, _he knows too._

Angry tears slowly unleash from the back of his eyes. He hits the steering wheel a few times – letting his anger get the best of him. Regretfully, he looks in the rearview mirror at his little girl. Her little brow is furrowed and she's clutching tightly to the straps of her car seat.

He releases a frustrated sigh. "Hey Lucy goosey. Do you want to go see papa?"

"Papa?" Lucy parrots, her voice small and frail.

"Yeah? Do you want to go see him?"

"I wanna Papa, da-dee," Lucy says.

"Okay," Jay says and turn the car around unexpectedly. Jay pulls his phone out and dials. It rings a few times before Hank's grave voice is heard on the other line.

"Jay? Everything okay?"

"Uhm, No," Jay says honestly. "I have to take Erin to the hospital. Can I drop off Lucy with you?"

"Of course."

"I'll be there in 5 minutes."

"Is Erin okay?"

"Not really, she's, uh, bleeding."

"Oh," he hears Hank say. "I'll be out front."

Soon enough Jay is pulling into Hank's driveway and he is standing there waiting. Jay steps out of the car and unbuckles Lucy. It seems her little brow is now permanently etched in a frown.

"You're going stay with Papa," Jay tells her.

Hank approaches the window on the passenger side and Erin opens it. Her tears have long dried. "How are you doing kid?"

She shrugs. "I don't know."

Hank nods knowingly and runs a comforting hand on her head.

Jay comes around and hands Lucy to Hank's awaiting arms. "We left in a bit of a hurry and her bag is probably missing a–"

"Jay, go," Hank says, waving him off. "I got it."

"Lucy has a cold and she's been running a fever. There's Tylenol in the bag. Just give her 5mls and—"

"Jay. Go. I got it from here." Hanks pats him on the back and say, "Keep me updated."

Jay kisses Lucy's hair and runs to the driver's side.

The quick drive to the hospital is quiet. They don't say anything. Jay just reaches over and grabs her hand and squeezes it. There is nothing to be said that would ameliorate the situation. And it's not long after they rush into the ER that their worst fear is confirmed – no heartbeat. All follow-up tests point to a miscarriage. Then it's like a dam breaks and it tramples them. Erin remain distant, unfeeling, and numb, while Jay tries to regain control over his breathing and over parts of him that seem to have a will of their own – his heart mainly.

The sun is slowly rising when Erin is given the all clear to leave. It isn't until they go to the car, away from everyone, that Erin finally breaks down. All the sorrow and all the guilt she's been bottling up comes rushing out in hiccupping sobs. Jay just holds her and keeps telling her, _it's okay, everything is going to be okay_ , despite not knowing if he truly believes it.

When her sobs finally subside, he whispers. "Do you want to pick Lucy up or do you want to go home and rest."

"Umm," Erin contemplates, dabbing at her eyes "I want to go see her. She's sick and we kind of sprung her on Hank."

"Okay." Jay nods. "Hey," he says, gently nudging her chin. "We are going to get through this. We'll be okay."

Erin bites her bottom lip and closes her eyes, shutting him out.

"Erin, don't." Jay says as a lump forms in his throat. "You need to talk to me."

Erin releases a deep breath. "I keep thinking of what else I could've done and—"

"Nothing," Jay interrupts her. "There was nothing more we could've done."

Erin looks at him and her face crumples. "I feel…empty."

They hold each other as silence falls around them – a silence that possibly says more than words strung in pretty phrases. It's a difficult sentiment to process – missing someone you've never met. Longing for something you never really had. There is nothing to do but go on.

After a beat, Jay leans over and kisses her cheek. "Let's go get our girl?" Jay asks.

Erin nods. "Let's go."

* * *

Thank you for reading... I feel this one is coming close to the end. Anyways it's been a wonderful ride and I'm happy I was able to take you guys with me. Maybe one or two chapters left. Cheers!


	15. Chapter 15

So, this is the last chapter (epilogue will follow). I'm very grateful for everyone of you awesome rainbow sherbets for adding color to my day. Your kindness and your support has been incredibly humbling and for that I can only say thank you. Love. Peace. Cheer. It's been a wonderful roller coaster ride.

I'm sad the road trip isn't happening. I know the writers have the show's best interest at heart, but I'm still going to pout about it. Now, all you wonderful writers, get on it. Let's make this road trip happen. ;)

I started owning nothing, and that will be my swan song. Dick Wolf owns the world. Literally.

* * *

Jay carefully pushes the door open to what used to be Erin's room at Hank's house and finds his girls asleep. He breathes a sigh of relief and takes a moment and just watch them. Their breathing synchronized, mouths slightly parted, and arms loosely thrown around each other. Outside the early morning sun plays hide-and-seek with the trees and the sunlight dapples across the small room. Jay hopes his girls are dreaming of rainbows and ice cream and all that's good in this world.

Since their return from the hospital Jay has been evading his feelings. It's been a while since Jay felt this restless, agitated, aggravated, like nothing he is doing or is about to do is quite right. He was not ready to face this, and maybe he tricked himself into believing that it was all going to work out just fine, but it hadn't. And now he is helplessly standing by, watching his entire world collapsing around him.

He carefully closes the bedroom door and heads downstairs. The steps creak under his feet and Hank notices the distraught young man coming down the stairs.

"How's Erin?" Hank asks.

"Finally asleep," Jay says.

"Lucy?"

"Also asleep."

"I made coffee," Hank says and starts towards the kitchen.

Jay shakes his head. "I think I will just go home and clean things up before they wake up." Jay looks down at his shirt and sees the red stains staring back at him. "I don't want Erin to, uh, see…" He lets the sentence go unfinished.

"Jay, join me for a cup of coffee," Hank insists, his tone gentle, but firm.

Jay runs a hand through his hair and looks at the older man. "Hank, I really appreciate—"

"C'mon," Hank says. "You look like you need it."

Jay releases a gush of air and reluctantly follows Hank. He plops himself down on a chair and Hank pours him a cup of coffee.

"Does Erin need to go back to the hospital?" Hank asks.

"Not for _this_ ," Jay says. "But she has a check-up with a neurologists on Monday."

Hank nods and looks at Jay's anguished facade. "How're you holding up?"

"I don't know," Jay says never taking his attention away from the swirling dark liquid in his cup.

Hank sips his coffee and says, "Healing will take time."

"This is different," Jay says.

Hank frowns. "How so?"

Jay shakes his head and says, "I don't know. It's just different."

The older man places his mug on the table and says. "Listen, don't go blaming yourself—"

"I'm not blaming myself," he interrupts. "But I'm responsible for them."

Hank nods. "Jay, I know it feels like you just hit a brick wall. But trust me when I say this, everything will sort itself out."

"We lost the baby, Hank," Jay says and his voice breaks. "Our lives you'll never be the same."

Hank takes a long sip from his coffee. "You're right. Life will never be the same. But," Hank leans forward and says, "Everything _will_ be okay."

Jay lets his head hang low. He doesn't want to talk about it anymore. He just wants to forget everything.

"Jay, take it from me. Focus on what you got and not on what you lost. You have Erin and you have Lucy."

Jay nods and slowly pushes himself off the table. He doesn't want to have this conversation, at least not with Hank. The wound is still raw and talking about it elicits waves of pain and anger through him. "Thanks for the coffee, but if you don't mind I want to go home and clean things. I don't want Erin to see the, uh, blood stains everywhere."

Hank nods and ushers with him to the front door.

"I will be back soon. Call me if anything," Jay says.

"Will do." Hank pats Jay on the back and watches the young man walk out into the sunny Chicago morning.

..x..

Erin wakes up to the sound of the garbage truck backing in the alley. She tries to force her eyes open, but it's like a million razor-sharp insects are gnawing at her brain. She breathes slowly and deeply, stilling her eyes under her eyelids. She runs her hand blindly around the small bed, but finds it empty. Slowly she props herself up on her elbows and feels her whole body hurt – from the top her head to the tips of her toes. She swings her legs off the bed and a ghost of a smile pulls at the corners of her lips when she hears high-pitched giggles echoing from downstairs.

Erin pads down the creaky steps and follows the sound of Lucy's laughter to the kitchen. She leans against the threshold and watches her little girl, propped up on a chair, helping Hank mix something in a bowl. Lucy is covered in what Erin thinks is flour and her hair is clumsily pinned up on her head. A soft chuckle escapes Erin's lips causing Hank to turn back.

"Hey," Hank says.

Lucy turns around and exclaims, "Mama!"

Hank helps the little girl get down from the chair and she runs to Erin. Lucy throws her arms up to be picked up. Unable to pick her up, Erin kneels down in front of her and checks if Lucy feels warm. To her relief Lucy feels fine.

"Whatchu doin, girl?" Erin asks, masking the turmoil inside of her.

"I mah-ke pans-cakes, mama!"

"Wow," Erin says. She looks at the clock on the kitchen wall and adds, "Making pancakes at three in the afternoon?"

"I asked what she wanted to eat and she said chicken nuggets, but I don't have it. So we settled on pancakes."

"I can go for pancakes." Erin smiles, but there's a sad quality to it. She looks around and asks. "Where's Jay?"

"He needed to run a few errands, but should be back anytime now."

Erin nods. "Do you guys need help?"

"No, no," Hank waves her off. "You just sit and relax."

Erin kisses Lucy's nose and retreats to on one of the kitchen chairs. She watches Lucy climb back up on the chair as Hank continues to add the remaining ingredients to the bowl. Lucy is as happy as can be and Erin desperately wants to disregard the feeling of loss swirling in her head. But how can she ever feel normal again or even truly smile when she is sobbing inside? She doesn't know how to dull the pain. She hopes watching Hank and her little girl fuss around the kitchen together, getting flour everywhere, serves as a distraction.

"Erin, do you want eggs and bacon?" Hank asks.

"Oh, uh, sure," she says.

Hank breaks three eggs into bowl and beats it with a fork. He then turns on a frying pan and lays down a few strips of bacon. Lucy watches Hank intently as he continues to pitter-patter around the kitchen.

"Papa, I 'elp," Lucy says pointing to the food cooking on the stove top.

"That's hot, kid. Papa is going to do it."

"No Papaaaa, I 'eeelpp," Lucy whines.

"Lucy," Erin chides. "Listen to Papa. The stove is hot."

Lucy pouts.

"Here," Hanks says, placing the leftover batter bowl in front of her. "Mix it while I make the eggs."

Lucy's pout turns upside down. "Oh-kay, Papa."

It isn't long before Erin hears the front door open and close. Erin stretches her neck and sees Jay.

"Something smells good," Jay says dropping a few bags on the floor by the door and making a beeline to the kitchen. "Hey," Jay says when he sees Erin seated at the table. He walks over and plants a kiss on her lips. "How're you doing," he asks. His voice just above a whisper.

Erin shrugs. "Sore."

Jay nods. "I went to the pharmacy and got your prescriptions." He kisses her lips again, lingering just a moment longer, then turns towards Hank and Lucy. "What do we have here?"

"Da-dee!" Lucy chirps.

Jay comes up behind Lucy and plants a kiss on her cheek. He also places a hand on her forehead to check if she's running a fever. "Are you making pancakes?"

"Yess. Pans-cakes'n eh-ggs,"

"I'm assuming Lucy chose the menu," Jay says with a chuckle and picks a crispy piece of bacon from the platter. He breaks a piece off and offers it to Lucy. She happily takes it.

"It's almost ready," Hank says. "You guys want some coffee?"

"I'll take tea," Erin says and begins to stand up, but Hank raises his hand. "You stay seated. I'll get the kettle."

Erin shakes her head. "I think I can boil some water."

"I know you can, but I'm telling you to sit."

Erin looks annoyed and Jay can see the ripple effects on her face. He walks to where she is seated and pulls her up and circle his arms around her. He can feel how stiff her muscles are under his fingertips.

"Do you want to go for a walk around the block with me?" He whispers in her ear.

She looks up at his hopeful blue eyes and with no thought, Erin reluctantly given in to his request.

"Okay," He says and runs his hands up and down her arms. "Let's go then." He plants a kiss on her lips and says, "Hey Hank, we are going to…" Jay motions with his head towards the door. "We'll be back," he mouths.

Hank nods and entertains Lucy, while Jay and Erin slip quietly out into the cool afternoon.

Jay pulls Erin close as they slowly amble down the street. For a few moments they just walk silently down the sidewalk. The chilly Chicago breeze nips at their faces and soothes their swirling emotions. The bustling sound of the street also helps drown their thoughts. When they round the corner, Jay finally breaks the silence and says, "You know, I thought it was going to be another girl."

Erin is taken aback by his remark. "What?"

"The baby. I had a feeling that it was going to be a girl."

"Oh," Erin says and places her hands deeper in her pockets. "It's a little cold, huh?"

Jay sees Erin trying to dismiss the subject, but he presses on. "What did you think it was going to be?" He asks, placing his jacket around her shoulders.

"I didn't," Erin says curtly.

"C'mon, you had to have thought about it." He squeezes her shoulders.

Erin looks up at him. "Why are you doing this?"

"Doing what?"

"Talking about _it_."

"Because..." Jay pauses. "Despite what the doctors said, this baby was more than a _lump of tissue_."

Erin winces at the phrase the doctors used to describe the tiny baby in her womb.

"The baby was a piece of me and a piece of you. It was ours and we lost it and I think we should talk about it," Jay says.

Erin's eyes fill with tears.

Jay pulls Erin closer and kisses her hair. "It's okay to be sad and angry. This is not something we can or should tuck away."

Erin releases a tear-soaked breath. After a beat she says, "I thought it was a boy." She dabs at her eyes. "I thought it would be good to have one of each, you know? Boy and girl."

Jay nods, a faint smile pulls at his lips.

"But another one of Lucy would be nice too," Erin says. "I always wanted a sister."

"Yeah?" Jay asks.

"Yeah." Erin smiles at the sweet expression on Jay's face. "We could share clothes…Talk about boys…"

Jay shakes his head. "You were right. A boy and a girl is nice."

"But we will never know…" Erin adds soberly.

Jay nods. "Yeah, but," he says, turning a corner. "We will always remember this baby as a fighter. The kid persisted for 11 weeks against all odds."

Erin frowns sadly, so naturally Jay kisses her frown away as hard as he can."The little guy went down fighting," she says.

"He sure did and that's how we should remember him because to us he was real and he was ours."

The afternoon breeze picks up and Erin circles her arms around Jay as they turn back towards Hank's house. For the first time today, she feels slightly at ease with herself – like a partial weight has been lifted off her shoulders. _A fighter_. The anger and the sadness still remain, but it is wrapped in cotton – a bit softer, a bit more manageable. Erin feels like she can breathe again.

When they reach the front steps of Hanks house, Jay stops and turns so he is facing Erin. He smiles and waits to find the right words. "Look , we will get through this together."

Erin nods, believing it this time.

Jay brushes his lips against hers and says, "I love you."

"I love you too."

They go inside the house and together they have breakfast mid-afternoon. The sun has begun its descend into the horizon, like a slippery bar of soap that slithers between your fingers. Erin looks across the table at Jay, who is juggling their little girl in his arms, and he smiles and winks at her. She thinks of his words, _he was ours_ , and the painful memories softens into sweet sepia images. She sees a small baby so beautiful, and so fragile and strong all at the same time. She lets herself smile. Erin knows it will be a little longer before she is done mourning, but she hopes the wort part is over.

* * *

Thank you. That's all. Thank you.


	16. Epilogue

Hi everyone! I know it's been forever, but I have written at least 5 full versions of this epilogue and none had the right ring for ending this story, that is, until now. Phew! Thank you once again for supporting me in this crazy, little fic. I'm forever in your debt. I love you all.

I own nothing.

* * *

 _Two years later…_

Erin slowly descends the stairs and follows the rise and fall of clatter and laughter coming from the kitchen. It's the sweetest sound and sometimes she wonders how her life was before all this – before Jay, before Lucy, and now, before Ben. She quietly watches them from the kitchen's threshold, not wanting to disturb the moment, wanting to memorize every detail, every smile, and every fleeting look.

Not surprisingly, she sees Lucy sitting on her time-out chair – arms crossed over her chest, brow furrowed. With her short honey brown hair, blue eyes, and a powerhouse of a personality, Lucy is definitely a force to be reckoned with. If Lucy has been wrong, if the object of her love has been besmirched, this little spark plug will rise up and strike you down with the fury of one thousand Disney princesses. Jay always says their little girl came into this world doused with an extra dose of indomitability (like her mom).

But Lucy is not all mischief and mayhem. Lucy has a sweet, silly heart and her goofiness is as heartwarming as is her big beautiful smile. Erin used to worry about their similar nature and how much heartbreak that caused when she was growing up. But unlike Erin, Lucy has an amazing, present dad to help her put her large parcel of personality into good use. Jay is really good with her. He always knows how to love her, how to interact with her, and how to teach, discipline, and nurture this crazy little force that is Lucy.

Erin watches Jay stand near the sink cutting some bananas while keeping an eye on their little girl out of his periphery. "Are you ready to say sorry?" Jay asks.

"But daddy, he took my star," Lucy retorts, pointing at the little boy nonchalantly playing with a stack of Tupperware.

"Luce, why did daddy put you on time-out?" Jay asks.

"I dunno," Lucy shrugs.

"Oh, okay." Jay nods nonchalantly. "Maybe you should sit there a little longer and think—"

"No daddy!" Lucy cuts him off. "It's cause I push'ed Ben," she says woefully.

"That's right." Jay walks over to where Lucy is seated and kneels in front of her."It's not nice to push people. When Ben or anyone does something you don't like you tell me or mom, okay?"

Lucy nods with a melodramatic pout drooping her lips. "Sorry, daddy."

"C'mere," Jay says and pulls Lucy into a hug. He kisses her head and says, "Now go tell Ben you're sorry."

Erin watches her four year old drag her feet across the kitchen floor to where her little brother is. Lucy bends down and kisses Ben's rosy cheek and says, "Sorry, Benny."

"Good girl," Erin says, and all eyes turns to her.

"Mommy!" Lucy chirps and runs to Erin. Ben flashes a smile, showing off his bottom two front teeth.

Erin kisses Lucy and goes to scoops Ben off the floor. She then walks up to Jay and gives him a peck on the lips. "Rough morning?"

"Nah…" He says and takes the plates with food to the table. "Someone got a little handsy today," he says and motions his head towards Lucy. "But it's all good now."

Jay lifts Lucy up and places her in her booster seat on the table, while Erin settles Ben in his high chair. Erin smiles at her nine month old baby boy who is just cool, calm, and collected. While the rest of their world swirls about at the pace of a headless chicken on crystal meth, Ben doesn't seem to notice, or care for that matter. He is as content as content can be. But just like his father, Ben can sometimes be as smooth as days old coffee.

It's a Saturday, so they eat breakfast unhurriedly. Erin is thankful that Jay let her sleep in and woke up with the kids because she doesn't think she would have been able to manage them after working until the wee hours of the night.

Erin yawns and Jay asks, "Did you catch any break last night?"

Erin feeds Ben a spoonful of mashed bananas and says, "Not exactly. We put in a rush order for a warrant, but I'm not sure we'll find anything at this point. They probably cleared house by now."

Jay nods. "Well, look at it this way. At least there's no paperwork and for the first time in longer than I can remember, we have absolutely nothing on schedule. No work, no birthday parties, and no play dates…I'm not leaving the house today."

"True, but," she says and sips her coffee. "We actually have to go to the grocery store."

Jay sighs and makes a goofy face at Lucy, who giggles. "Daddy can never have his way."

Erin raises an eyebrow. "Daddy _had_ his way and that's why we have both of you," Erin says smiling at her kids who are innocently eating their breakfast.

"Okay. This conversation is no longer kid-appropriate."

Erin laughs. "Seriously, we need to go and we should probably get there before the afternoon rush."

Jay hangs his head. "Okay, okay…" He surrenders.

"But since you woke up with the kids, I will get them ready. Just... take the boy up and I will be right there."

Jay stands up and plucks Ben from his high chair. He plants a loud kiss on his full belly and the kid giggles. "C'mon bud, we're out of here."

In the last two years, Erin learned that there are more kinds of love then there are stars in the sky. Love, she learned, isn't nice. Or pretty. Love is stunning and destructive and world-shaking and heartbreakingly sweet, fragile and strong as diamonds. When she miscarried, love was the force that cracked open her suffocated lips in a moment of total loss, and breathed life back in despite the thorns coating her thoughts and heart. Love is Jay. Love is Lucy. And Love is Ben.

After Erin's miscarriage they decided not to try again. Jay took what Hank said to heart – that he should focus on what he had—and that's what they did. With time (and effort), life returned to being simple, easy, and sweet. But after a late night date night, coupled with a few drinks, Erin found herself pregnant again. The news was exciting, and at the same time, terrifying. They kept it a secret, tucked away in the most protective part of their heart. They knew their anxiety stemmed from the notion of history repeating itself. Whether it was irrational or not, they decided to not say anything.

But they couldn't keep something as big and wonderful a secret for long. So when the pants stopped fitting and the shirts became too tight, the news slowly trickled from their protective bubble and everyone reveled in their happiness. Their smiles were bight and broad, and love seemed to overflow between them. The turbulent months prior had been so downright awful that this invigorated their appreciation not only for each other, but for life.

Benjamin Henry Halstead came in the quiet of the night, without any fuss or commotion. Jay remembers holding his little boy for the first time, looking into his little eyes and feeling his heart tighten another notch. They were no longer a party of three, but a party of four. Three beings that completed his life in ways he didn't think he needed.

 _Jay walks down the hospital corridors hand in hand with Lucy. Her steps are hesitant and she keeps looking up at her dad for reassurance. Once they reach the door, Jay kneels before her and says, "Lucy, are you ready to meet you little brother?"_

" _Da one in momma's belly, daddy?"_

" _Yes." Jay tucks a stray hair from one of her pigtails behind her ear. "Remember how mommy and daddy had to go to the hospital to get the baby? Well, he is here."_

 _Lucy's eyes sparkled. "I wanna see him, daddy."_

" _Okay," Jay says standing up and slowly ushering her inside Erin's hospital room._

 _Lucy's reaction is both amazing and comical. When her eyes first locks on the little baby wrapped in blue, her expression softens and for the first time their little girl is at a loss for words, though it only lasts a second._

" _Oh mama! Can I hold'em?"_

" _Yes, baby. But you have to be really careful, okay?"_

" _Yes mama, Imma be cah-ful."_

 _Jay sits her down next to Erin, and Erin slowly lowers the baby into Lucy's awaiting arms, keeping a strong hold on him._

" _Lucy, meet your little brother, Ben."_

" _Oh hi, Ben," Lucy says, running a careful little finger over her brother's fuzzy head. "Imma your big sistah."_

It was love at first sight for Lucy. And even now, despite a spike in Ben's curiosity towards her toys (in particularly a shiny police star), she still takes everything in stride.

Later that night, after an adventurous trip to the grocery store, a short visit to grandpa's house, and an impromptu playdate with Will and Nat's kids, the Halsteads were finally home – kids tucked in and parents lounging on the couch with two cold beers in hand.

"So much for my lazy Saturday," Jay retorts.

Erin chuckles. "It was a good day. Meltdowns were to a minimum and I only had to tell Lucy twice to put her tongue back in her mouth."

Jay smiles. "From the moment she woke up she was all Lindsay."

Pulling slightly away from Jay, Erin says, "You say that like it's a bad thing."

Jay beams an easy smile, drapes an arm over her shoulders, and pulls her back to him. "It's not a bad thing. I fell you love with a Lindsay."

Erin rolls her eyes. Typical, cheesy Jay.

"Let's just hope the boy takes a little more after me. You know, cool, calm and collected."

Erin laughs. "You? Cool? Collected? C'mon, between the both of us, I just hope these kids don't overthrow our reign in a well plan coup in their teenage years."

Jay smiles. Their kids were going to be great.

They sip their beers and revel in the cool, tart liquid sliding down their throats. Life hasn't been this quiet and good and effortless in longer than they care to remember. Here sits, two people whom life had nearly crushed, but managed to turn their lives around – together. Are they perfect? No. But perfect is a relative term. Despite everything, their imperfect world is perfect to them.

"So, I know you might not remember. But, do you know what today is?" Jay asks.

Erin racks her mind, but comes up empty. "I have no idea what today is."

"Well," Jay says. "Two years ago today, was the day you came back to me."

Erin frowns for only a moment, before it dawns on her what Jay is referring to. "Oh." It's all she can say.

"I thought I had lost you," Jay says pensively. "But you woke up after the surgery, called me Babe, and everything was good again."

Erin looks up at the man she loves. She pulls him down by his neck and slowly they kiss. It's soft and warm and all kinds of sweet.

Jay pulls back slightly and says, "I have something for you."

"What?" Erin asks as Jay stands up from the couch and disappears through the living room door. Minutes later he comes back with a small, velvet black box in hand.

"Here," Jay says, handing Erin the box.

She takes it from him slowly, still in awe that he got her something.

"I know I'm bringing up the past here, and I'm only doing it because it makes me appreciate the present that much more."

Erin slowly opens the velvet box and pulls out a beautiful, silver necklace. "This is beautiful."

"Look," he points to the charm pendants. "This little girl is Lucy and the little boy is Ben."

Erin smiles touching the girl and boy pendants. There's a third pendant and Erin examines it carefully. "A wing?" she asks.

Jay smiles, but it's laced with a sad tinge. "It's an angel's wing," he clarifies.

As soon as he says _angel's_ _wing,_ Erin's eyes fill with tears. She looks at Jay and there is so much she wants to say, but the words vaporize on her tongue. This kind of love she is experiencing right now is world-shaking and heartbreakingly painful all at once.

"I know we don't talk about _it_ that much anymore. But it doesn't mean we have forgotten about _it_."

 _Their baby. Now, their angel._

"This is uh, this is so thoughtful." Erin pulls Jay for another kiss. This one more ardent, deeper, more passionate. After all these years, this guy still could make her heart skip a beat. He is her rock – forever her champion.

"I love you," Erin says against his lips.

"I love you too," Jay replies. "Always."

 _Merrily, merrily, merrily, merrily,_

 _Life is but a dream._

 _Fin_

* * *

I wish you guys all the happiness and love. Surround yourself with kind humans and coffee. Until next time. Cheers!


End file.
